6 Reasons Why You’re Still Single at 40

Yesterday, I asked the question, “Why would a beautiful 40-year old woman still be SINGLE?”

I’ve wondered this question and asked several friends what they thought. We mulled over whether it was the guys’ fault or the girl’s fault that she’s still single. At the end of the day, the consensus is clear: If she is beautiful and sexy, and there’s nothing wrong with her physically, then it’s the woman’s fault that she’s single.

Not the men’s.




Here are 6 Reasons why it’s the woman’s fault if she is still single at 40, and she wants to get married before then:

1) Some superficiality was in play.

Some nice guy actually came a calling.

But she rejected him because he is short, boxy and dark-skinned.

The guy was ready for marriage and for a serious relationship. He was already in his 40s, and was keen to start a family. There’s no baggage except for the fact that he was single since he just came off from two long-term, long-distance relationships that didn’t work out.

It doesn’t matter: She still rejected him.

Because he’s not her type.

Sometimes, we can’t help ourselves. If he’s not cute, we’d rather be single.

That’s why, she is still single.

2) Because they think dating apps are for losers.

I met a 30-plus year old woman who wanted to find love, and asked her why she didn’t try dating apps like OkCupid, Tinder, eHarmony and the likes.

Oh, dating apps are for losers,” she huffed. “I’m not that desperate yet.”

My husband and I met via a dating app.

dating apps.png

So apparently, we are losers.

That’s why she’s still single. Close-minded people who shut off avenues even before they try it end up with limited options and no boyfriends. They’re stuck in the pool they already wallowing in over the last two decades. Those who entered the pool later on would rather choose younger, prettier and equally willing to commit women.

My friend went into 10 blind dates per year, for two years, before marrying the man she married. That’s like 20+ blind dates from hell, and a whole lot of stories, before finding her happily ever after.


If you don’t try it out with a positive attitude, don’t cry if you’re still single. There is NOTHING wrong with dating apps, and if you’re willing to scratch out this option because of a few bad apples, then you’re losing out.

3) Because they are girlfriend material… NOT wife material.

The Internet are awash with posts such as:

Top 30 Signs That Your Girlfriend Is ‘Wife Material’


Apparently, a girlfriend is still different from a wife. They both start out the same way, but end out differently. While a wife can be girlfriend material, a woman who is just girlfriend material finds it hard to be a wife.

Reason being is, for some reason or the other, the guy shies away from proposing! He’s fine with just dating exclusively, and even moving in together, but when it comes to legalizing it, the guy balks and asks why things won’t remain the same.

I honestly think it’s because the woman in question is not wife material. Sure, she’s fun, adventurous and maybe the sex is good, but hey, she’s not really something you want to spend forever after with.

So the question is, what’s the difference between a girlfriend-slash-mistress material, and not a wife? Both are women and someone you’re intimate with. However, why is it that some women get married while others are stuck in dating limbo?

A wife material is someone who guys see as the following:


Not enough?

I asked a guy friend what’s the difference, to which he answered:

With a wife, you think of forever. On whether she is a good fit to your life. On whether she can be a great partner to you in an out of the home.

You wonder if your mom loves her or not, and how she will fit in your family dynamics. If your mom hates her, then she’s purely just fun and girlfriend material. It will be awkward if you married someone whom your family hates.

You also want someone who has her head straight and who isn’t promiscuous or a flirtSomeone who dresses conservatively and doesn’t look like she’s going to the beach or the bar on a daily basis. Sure, it’s nice to marry someone who’s sexy, but you don’t want someone who looks malandi. That’s just someone you’d love to f*ck, not someone you’d like to start a family with.

Lastly, you also think whether or not she’ll be a great mother to your future kids. You want someone who is smart, emotionally stable and can balance you… not a drama queen who’s irresponsible, stresses you out, and incredibly stupid. They say the kids get their brains from their mother, and you don’t want stupid children.

It’s easy to be like a mistress: You’re fun and sexy and probably great in bed. But it’s not as easy to be a wife — there are so many stakeholders that are in play: Both sides of the family, the community, and the kids.

Usually, unless the guy is really head over heels in love with you, he’d rather wait until all ducks are in a row before getting married.


4) Because you’re already over the hill, and they do want kids.

We had our chance when we were in our 20s, dating men one after another, trying to see who is a better fit for us. This continued on until we were in our 30s, when the pickings started to get thinner and thinner.

At 20s, all the guys from their 20s to 40s want to date you. When you’re in your late 30s, guys in their 20s see you as a MILF or cougar. Guys in their 30s want someone who is 20s and more fertile. Guys in their 40s come with baggage (and kids from their first marriage), or some psychological disorder.

What’s more, most men want a progeny. They want someone to carry their line. Many want a kid and a spare.

Case in point, when I first met my future father-in-law, he already criticized me for being old. I was just in my early 30s. At 32 years old in his humble opinion, I was no spring chicken, and was less likely to reproduce an heir.

He was wrong.

I did have a daughter. And yet, it’s not the 4 or 5 kids he envisioned to carry the line. But he is not unusual: Most guys in Asia do want kids. And they are more likely to have children if the woman is younger.

5) Because they are full of negativity.

I know women who complain about the dating pool, “There are so many losers in (Insert place here)! There are no good single guys out here! Only the asshole ones and those who are gay!” 


Another woman who has a successful career at Goldman Sachs moan about the lack of good guys working there. After I congratulated her about working in one of the best investment banks in the world, she quickly retorted, “What do you mean? Here at Goldman Sachs, there’s NO GOLD, NO MAN, AND NO SEX!”

Sometimes, it’s the woman who is the problem. If guys keep on breaking up with you, then you’re not the problem.

Not the men.

complain 2.jpg

6) Because they do not face the reality: That men are a limited resource and sometimes, you just have to make a choice.

My mom told me a story of the building with many floors. Each floor has selections of men to choose from. If you choose someone from that floor, you can no longer go up another floor. You would have to marry that person and stay with that person ever after. However, if you go up one floor, you can no longer go down the previous floor.


The woman went to the first floor and looked at the selection. These were the regular guys they met in school. They were nice, dorky and boring. They were good selections, but she still went up a floor because she wanted to see what the other floor had to offer.

The second floor were those she met in her first job. Everyone was inexperienced, excited and fun. They had limited money but had a lot of time socializing with each other. There were a lot of people on this floor. But since many of them were still wide-eyed and poor, she still went up another floor.

The third floor have less people than the second, but still had enough. These were people who now have 5 years of work experience under their belt. Some were now married to their college sweethearts but were looking for an affair, while others were single but are still in debt having taken their first mortgage on a home. The people on this floor were not yet rich and were still struggling financially, so the woman still went up one more floor.

The woman couldn’t find anyone from floors four to seven. The guys were flawed in their own way. They weren’t good, rich, or cute enough. Those who were cute were assholes, and those who were good were not cute.

So she continued to go up a floor, thinking that maybe, she will find someone better, because everytime she goes up a floor, she usually finds a guy who is.


As she went up the eighth floor, she was surprised. There was nobody on the eighth floor. The room was empty.

And so she cried.


In Summary

We often blame the world for our being single. And yet, while we blame others, we wonder how many other women who are less prettier, less sexier and dumber than us keep on getting married before us?

There is nothing special about her,” we would huff. “Why did she get married earlier than me?”

Maybe it’s because she settled, or have lower standards?”

“Maybe the guy is okay with someone dumber, and just feels pressure to get married?”

Maybe because they’ve been dating so long, and heck, it’s time.”

The questions mask the real issue here — Why them and not me?

And I think there lies the problem: We are so quick to blame others but never see our hand on our own mistakes. When we see others who have better luck than we do, we fail to see that it’s actually not luck as to why they are in situations they are in now.

Unless we look deeply in the mirror in front of us, we cannot solve the problems that face us.


It is us who is the problem.

Not the mirror. Not Snow White. Not the kingdom.

And unless we face this reality, we will forever be single, and will watch the world pass us by. And while there is nothing wrong with being single, I hope that it is because of choice that we are. If so, wear singlehood with pride.

But if you are single at 40, and want to get married, then you have to wake up and smell the roses.

Open your eyes.

Stop being a b*tch.

Make an effort.

Start trying out dating apps.

Go out on blind dates.

Promote the fact that you are single and looking.

Give that nice guy a chance.

Stop complaining and start doing.

Be a positive ball of energy.

And for goodness sakes, CHOOSE SOMEONE.

How about you? Do you agree or not? Comments and thoughts appreciated.




About Bonita

I'm a forgetful person. But I think a lot. Every day, a lot of thoughts enter my head. That's why this blog came to be: first, to keep my memories alive through the years, and two, to actually see how I and my thoughts have changed. Please note that I seldom draft or edit my posts. Sometimes, if I'm not careful, I offend some of you, my readers. And while I apologize for making you feel uncomfortable, I am not sorry for being honest or for making well-intentioned mistakes. I will however be the first to admit if I change my mind. Hence, do read and proceed with caution. My life is as colorful and as boring as you make it. I complain many days, but offer some encouragement in others. Life is fluid, it changes. So keep the positives and throw away the negatives, and I do hope that at the end of the day, you will enjoy reading the blog and leaving comments here and there if my posts touches you. Happy reading!
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