Yesterday, Boyfriend and I had an argument.
Basically, the context was that two of my friends got engaged after only two months of dating. I pointed out to Boyfriend that I was jealous that my friends’ respective boyfriends were so sure of their feelings for the women that they could not help but pop the question.
Of course, given that marriage is for the rest of your life, it was amazing that these guys would want to be that committed after knowing the women after a mere two months of dating. Hence, it was either these guys were:
- Super crazy that they’d take that big of a risk, or
- Very desperate that they tend to cling on these women and snapping them up before anybody does, or
- These women are so perfect and wonderful that these guys think that “Yes, these women are the one!” almost immediately after dating exclusively.
Since these men seemed sane and secure about themselves, I hypothesized that maybe it was because these women were so great (and they were!), that these men snapped them up before they even had the chance to think.
Boyfriend took this the wrong way.
He felt that I was cornering him and unfairly comparing him to these men, especially since we’ve been dating for almost a year.
“It is impossible to turn back time!” he said. Back when we were dating for only two to three months, it really didn’t seem it was the right time to propose. To top it off, my dad was in and out of the hospital then, and passed away very soon after.
Actually, what I was just looking for was some reassurance — Reassurance that he loves me (he does), that I am valued (I am), and that he was serious (he is).
Instead of attacking him for what he did not do, me telling him those stories was me telling him that I as well was a woman, and that women do compare, and yes I was being unreasonably insecure, but yes, I do have these moments at times, and yes, he would have to just take me in his arms and reassure me.
Because yes, women do have these bouts of insecurity. And yes, I still do hold that when we become insecure, men must comfort. Or risk facing the wrath of an insecure woman which happened yesterday because Boyfriend became instantly defensive and refused to listen to what I really needed!
I think in many arguments, people have a tendency to react very quickly and defend themselves.
Enough with the defense mechanism, people!
What could’ve easily allayed my insecurities was a simple, “Honey, what do you mean by that?” followed by a simple smile and comforting hug.
Women do yak yak yak on. And we always believe in our minds, we have a point.
It’s a losing battle to argue with us. We can always out-speak, out-nag, and out-reason you. We would not be arguing otherwise if we felt we had a losing case.
So instead of arguing, try to understand us first.
STOP. LISTEN. UNDERSTAND.
In the end, after an hour or two of argument, we finally came to a consensus.
- No, I was not attacking him. Though yes, I was being unfair.
- That yes, it was not right for me to compare myself to other women when I am clear that I was valued and loved.
- But I was not incorrect for asking for some reassurance and some love. It was my right as a girlfriend.
- And I was not incorrect to be hurt when I did not get this reassurance. If my fears were properly allayed, there wouldn’t really be an issue would it?
- So in the future, Boyfriend just has to listen to what point I am driving. Usually, I do have a point, and yes, there are some specific things I am asking for.
- I do have to be super clear though and try to explain. Which I did after some time.
- And yes, that when you fight, you need to remember to resolve it and bring it back to love, which we did.
Wah, relationships can be tiring.
Yet it can be totally rewarding as well.
Hope everyone’s having a great week ahead!