It’s amazing just how much women settle in order to find and keep love.
Last night, I met a 28-year old woman who works in real estate. She was complaining about her dire love life.
“I like this guy, but he is just so non-committal!” she complained. “He always like things convenient for him. Given the fact that he has a girlfriend and I still hang out with him, you’d imagine that he’d make things a lot easier for you, and not just for him!”
My ears perked up.
It’s like someone saying, “I eat a lot lot lot and I wonder I am fat!!!” The logic simply was so clear to me.
My friend and I asked her gently whether she is happy with her situation.
“No, of course not! But you know I’m accepting. He already has a girlfriend. I just like his company,” she said defensively.
I then shared with her that men and men. If given the chance, they’ll take whatever they can get. If you offer sex on the first date, there is no normal man who will say no unless they are already in a committed relationship and you are not as ugly. If you allow yourself to be a convenience, then they will actually take you up on your offer. And you’ll find yourself going to him, instead of him going to you.
That’s the irony of men and women —- whilst you think you are making them love you more by giving more than you should, the opposite happens. Men respect women with healthy boundaries, and if you don’t know how to say “No” to things disagreeable to you, you’ll find yourself saying “Yes” a lot to things that make you feel like shit.
When I met Boyfriend, it was just like that.
After emailing and exchanging SMS messages for a month, we finally met up for dinner. He picked me up from my office, and he took and paid for our dinner.
After dinner, he tried to cop a feel, putting his arms around my waist. Yes, ladies and gentleman, my boyfriend is NOT the gentleman at the first date. Later on, he admitted that somehow it was a test, and that if I gave in, he would’ve taken it as far as I would have allowed it.
Aiya, that jerk! 🙂
But I wiggled myself out of this mess. I moved away and refused to let him kiss me. Gently of course — and I was also not a bitch about it.
End of the day, this lady does not give ANY unless in a committed relationship. I have standards after all, and refuse to give a guy anything just because he was nice company and took me out to a nice dinner.
And guess what?
And he asked me out for a second date — to which I agreed to. And yes, he was a lot more well behaved on the second, third, and other succeeding dates.
Because he knows I’m not a girl who will loosely give in. He understood it perfectly — after the first date, he knew I was “relationship material,” and someone he can bring home to show off to his mommy. I was not just any Jane, Elizabeth and Holly out there in the streets.
I HAVE STANDARDS.
And if he cannot reach up to my standards, then ba-bye! With a smile and no hard feelings of course. 🙂
Which brings back to my friend – she just keeps on giving in!
Even if the guy’s attached, she still hangs out in his condominium!
“Don’t you think that your girlfriend will figure it out if you keep on inviting girls to your condo?” she asked him before.
“No, she doesn’t really come here,” he answered.
And that was that. No other questions, as if she was accepting of her fate — a convenience to a non-committal, jerk-of-an-attached man, who lets herself be used whenever needed.
And she complains why he doesn’t take her seriously. Big sigh.
Ladies and gentlemen, please listen to signals. Whereas words can lie, actions do not. If the actions do not match the words, listen to what the actions are saying.
Who are we fooling anyways? Especially when we sometimes say these things to desperately hold onto a dysfunctional relationship:
“Don’t worry! I can take care of myself!”
“I am still in total control!”
“I know what I’m doing!”
“How can he love me back if I cut him off?!”
Who are we fooling?
And the funny thing is, our heart cannot really be fooled? Despite all your insistence that having a relationship/friendship in a limbo does not keep you from looking for new people, we all know that once your heart has been captured by someone, it’s so hard to find someone to replace it.
You try to but it’s just not the same. You date other people, but they’re not the guy you actually want. In the end, the relationship you should go for self-sabotages because your heart is with someone who doesn’t commit or care for you enough to actually be with you.
And that’s why my friend’s sadly in the limbo. She doesn’t like it, she is frustrated but what can she do? She likes the guy.
And as friends, all we can do is show support until the time she once again stumbles, crying and in pain, only to get back up again for another round of self-torture.
When is enough, enough?