A few updates on how I’ve been doing so far in lovely London. If you may ask, I am thoroughly blessed even though it doesn’t really seem that way. For one, I am in the company of great friends, and two, if there’s a city to be lonely in and have enough stuff to keep you busy, then it’s London!
Almost four weeks after the breakup, and the shock has began to wear off. I have already come to terms that we have equivocally said our final goodbyes, and we are OVER.
It doesn’t make it any easier, and at times, I feel much sadness. And why won’t I? It’s been a terrific 2.5 years, and I feel a bit of a pity knowing that if nobody pulled the plug, we would have made it well till the end.
I’m a firm believer in relationships, and of not giving up. Commitment is extremely important. However, if one person is no longer dancing with you, you should also step off the dance floor and find somebody else who would.
Then again, even though I’ve lost the relationship, I would NOT lose the lesson.
I admit it: I have not been such a good person. Blame it on Hong Kong or my MBA, but I’ve gained an inflated view of my own self worth. I felt that I was tough and strong and that I was usually right. I was opinionated, but fair. Tough yet loving. However, not everyone can take that. Moderation is the key and many times, I just pushed too much.
In other words, I didn’t like the person I had become.
The break up was terrible for me that I’ve lost somebody that I truly deeply loved. However, it had to take such high of a price to shake me off my la-la land.
I had to change.
I wanted to be a better person.
My friend Eric summarizes it completely when he said, “Kaka (another girlfriend) thinks that in her breakup, she is never at fault. In your breakup, you think it’s all your fault.”
Well, that’s just me. If I am right, I will fight till I die. But if I am wrong, I will admit it till I run out of breath. And I think that though no relationship is perfect, half the fault for the breakup was mine, and I would like to take responsibility for it. I have already shed tears for it and feel a lot of regret, but yes, the fault was also mine.
Regardless, it’s not too healthy to beat yourself up for these things. Past is past. You live, you learn. And I have already said my apologies. Once, given that it is sincere, is enough.
So what am I busy now?
Well, I am doing a lot more self-reflection and changing myself to be a better me. I am excited about this. I think I can be better. And I look forward to the time when such hardship is over and I emerge born again, a better person.
I would like to be more patient, more tolerant, more loving, a bit sweeter, more considerate, less hateful, less hot tempered, more loving, more reasonable, more level headed, more loving. In other words, I want to be a more balanced person. A more loving partner.
Two, I have re-defined my priorities in life. Losing Trader made me realize that career is not something I really want. Instead, I want someone to love. A family. Children.
Yes my friends, it seems that my breakup has changed me to an about face. My friends wonder if this change is permanent but if whether I am going cuckoo. But I kid you not: from weeks forward after my self-reflection, I am making FAMILY a priority. Not just my future family, but my present family as well.
My mom has been nothing but supportive after the breakup. Her emails has made me cry and laugh and gave me much comfort on the dark days. My little brother had been so cheerful about my loss that I couldn’t help but also be hopeful with what’s in front of me. My dad is as usual, stoic. But I know that he was okay with Trader and he probably (and rightfully so) blamed me a bit for the loss.
But I love my family dearly. I love my friends. And yes, I will place life and family on top priority going forward.
Because of this, I am making major life changing decisions. 🙂
And guess what? I am super excited for it.
After talking to so many advisers, I have decided to prepare for a homecoming. After I finish my MBA in a few weeks, I now know where my purpose lies. My purpose is to be close to the family that loves me, my friends who had been there for me since I was young, and for me to stop running away from my responsibilities. I will not declare it now until I book my plane tickets, but trust me when I say this, I am so looking forward to the next few quarters.
Lastly, I am working on several projects that put big smiles to my face.
In fact, I’ve just received a positive email today that made me smile from ear to ear. It’s not a Php 100 million deal, but for me, it’s enough. I have a highly visible project that would keep me busy for 2012, and I can’t wait to start and make it happen.
It’s going to be good — oh, pray that it pushes through — but if it does, my gosh. It’s like what I want to do. It’s not that difficult I think but it will take a bit of guts, money and a lot of luck. But my golly, if it works… everything should be set. It would indeed be a great homecoming.
So there it is, the breakup was a wakeup call. Thanks Trader for doing this for me. I didn’t really appreciate you as much as I did, and if I have to do it all over again, I promise that the relationship would be tons tons better. Regardless, the lesson I learn is for my next relationship. The future boyfriend is appreciative.
Anyway, there are many changes coming up — and I am excited.
There is already a change in myself, to be a better person, a better woman, a better daughter, a better future partner to my husband, and a better mother to my children.
There’s also a change in my life direction. The news will surprise most who knows me, but if you know why I’m doing it, then am sure you would agree and offer your support.
And lastly, there’s a change on what I need to do. The project I’m talking about will come to fruitation in the next few months and I cannot wait to unveil it if things go to plan.
I am hopeful for the future. My ex-sister in law said, “God has many plans for God’s best!” and I believe it. I believe that bad things happen make way for better things in life. I feel and know there are good things up ahead. And I pray that you would continue to support and encourage me throughout the hard yet exciting times in 2012!
Have a great weekend!