Consulting Me vs. Telling Me

Today’s argument came from the least likeliest of places.

Trader was telling me that his friends were inviting him to go to Bhutan and said, “I’d love to go to Bhutan.”

Now, a man could always want to go to a place. I myself would want to revisit Myanmar again if I can in my lifetime. It’s just one of those magical places you’d love to go to.

However, the critical factor was that he used the word, “I” instead of “I’d love for YOU AND I to visit Bhutan someday.”

“I. I. I.” Isn’t that “I” letter so irritating? It makes us seem as if the world revolves around us so to speak, away from all the rest. Now once again, I have no issues with a man using the word, “I” all the time so long as I don’t think that “we” are in a relationship.

So I brought this onto his attention.

Trader, I don’t feel comfortable when I feel as if I’m not considered in your decision,” I started.

Trader frowned. The man obviously felt he wasn’t doing anything wrong. “Why do you feel offended?” he asked. “When I am informing you of plans I haven’t decided yet?”

The issue is this: Women hate to be consulted AFTER their men has already made their decisions. It made us seem as we’re just a receiver of some FYI instead of being asked for our own opinions.

The reason why I’m not happy is because I feel that I am not being consulted,” I replied. “Being told of a decision, and then being asked what I think about it is NOT a consultation. It’s a statement of fact, and a subtle warning for us not to challenge a decision.”

“But I am telling you about the upcoming decision,” he retorted. “What’s wrong with that?”

Yes, but where is our input?” I asked. “Are we being consulted or being told?”

Last weekend, Trader went out with his friends for a wine and cheese party.

Truth be told, there is nothing wrong with a wine and cheese party. I personally adore these events and have organized some myself. The devil was in the delivery however.

The wine and cheese party was on a Thursday. Trader informed me about this party earlier in the week that his friend was organizing the party, and it’s an FYI. Later on, I found out that it was he who suggested the wine party with his friend.

If you are uncomfortable of me going,” he sweetly asked, “Then you can say so and I will tell (Friend’s Name) that I won’t go because you say so.”

Dude, that really puts me into a difficult position.

How the hell can a logical girlfriend bar her boyfriend from having some good fun with his friends AFTER he’s already agreed to go? If a decision has already been made, then why the hell ask for the girlfriend’s opinion afterwards knowing full well that we cannot say anything but a yes?

I pointed out to him that lately, he’s been telling me of his decision and implying that I should be thankful that I am being informed. “Aren’t you happy that I am telling you these things instead of keeping it a secret?” is his usual reply.

The point is not being informed.

We women like to be consulted, even if the answer is to a man’s favor. It makes us happy to feel that we are given importance in a man’s life. And when we are happy, we make the guy happy too.

The most unfair thing is this, I often consult with Trader about many of my decisions.

When I ask his advise, it’s usually because the decision hasn’t been made and I value his input in how I make a decision.

For example, today, my ex-boyfriend has emailed and SMS’d me saying that he’ll be in Singapore and if I would like to catch up again. Of course, not knowing what to do, I asked Trader about it.

My (ex-boyfriend’s name) is in town and has invited me for dinner this week,” I asked. “Just wanted to check with you before I answer if you’re comfortable with that. If you’re not, I will find an excuse not to go.”

There you go — the checklist.

A decision that has to be made, but has NOT been made, and can be changed given his input — CHECK.

An escape plan for him to say no in case he’s uncomfortable wiht the scenario — CHECK.

And basically, informing him of a possible decision without any biases — CHECK.

Meaning if he says no, I can still change the decision given that I haven’t informed the other party of my answer yet.

However, in his case, he arranges the event, tells me about it and expects me to just go along with it.

So no. I won’t like or accept that.

But then again, the good thing about Trader is that he’s not the stubborn fool who thinks it’s his way and the highway. He does acknowledge that we have to be more sensitive to each other’s opinions, and he would do better to consult me earlier before he makes a decision.

This has been a standing decision between both of us that we’ve been working together since we started.

Whereas he is a tad more individualistic with his decision making, I’d have to ask every Tom, Dick and Harry before I answer a decision.

Regardless, the story has a happy ending. A couple do have issues but it really depends on how they deal with it and fortunately, Trader has the patience to deal with these issues well.

Anyway, off to bed. Classes start tomorrow pa.

Have a great week everyone!

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About Bonita

I'm a forgetful person. But I think a lot. Every day, a lot of thoughts enter my head. That's why this blog came to be: first, to keep my memories alive through the years, and two, to actually see how I and my thoughts have changed. Please note that I seldom draft or edit my posts. Sometimes, if I'm not careful, I offend some of you, my readers. And while I apologize for making you feel uncomfortable, I am not sorry for being honest or for making well-intentioned mistakes. I will however be the first to admit if I change my mind. Hence, do read and proceed with caution. My life is as colorful and as boring as you make it. I complain many days, but offer some encouragement in others. Life is fluid, it changes. So keep the positives and throw away the negatives, and I do hope that at the end of the day, you will enjoy reading the blog and leaving comments here and there if my posts touches you. Happy reading!
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