Three couple friends in 24 hours.
Two breakups. One on the way.
Inasmuch that summer is moving towards autumn, breakup season signals its dire return.
“Hon, can you please call me?” I asked Trader today after his work. There is just something about breakups, especially when the issues on why the couple broke up that mirrors yours, that makes anybody insecure about their relationship. Or maybe it’s just me?
For Breakup #1 and 2, the issue is simple: Both women are older than their significant other. One is 3 years older, while the other is around 8 years older.
Yes, like me, they are also cougars. 😀
Anyway, returning back to the issue, whereas younger women don’t have the pressure of worrying too much about the future (e.g., they can screw around and waste their time with men without much consequence), older women do.
Call it biological clock, pressure from the ‘rents, or the growing dismay of watching all your year-mates post their baby photos on Facebook every second, but yes, we women by the time we reach our late 20s, start to worry about whether the guy we’re dating is in for the long haul or not.
My friend #1 has the same worry. She said, “Look Bonita, it’s not that I want to get married now. Actually I understand that given his youth, marriage is the farthest thing from his mind. However, I do want to know that he actually wants to get married in the future…”
My friend #2 talks in similar terms but adds that she wants to know whether the guy can marry HER in the future. This makes sense because though a guy is happy to marry, there is really no point in worrying about it if he’s marrying someone else.
Friend #2 broke up because the guy’s parents disliked her quite strongly. On his vacation, the guy was sat down by his parents and was explicitly ordered that marriage between him and Friend #2 is an impossibility. A definite no.
I asked the guy why not fight for the girl? Come on, we’re no longer kids and being the first born and only son, he had more leeway in negotiating with his parents. It’s not as if they’ll cut him off if they needed to continue the legacy…
For Friend #2, the issue is a lot more in-depth. Aside from the parents avid disapproval, they are also socially incompatible. The guy comes from a richer home, while she had industriously laboured her own wealth. She is admirably a small business owner having started from scratch her business with her sister. I have the deepest respect for her.
Alas for her, the guy felt that if he cannot offer marriage to Friend #2, then they should just painfully call the relationship off. “No use to waste her time if I cannot offer her marriage in the future,” he sadly said.
It pains me to see these happening.
For Friend #2, it’s just a matter of maybe a guy being too practical.
He had decided that though she was a terrific girl, there was really no way that he can fight for her and offer her marriage, even though she was happy juts to continue on without it. “She really wants marriage, Bonita, even though she says she doesn’t need it. It’s unfair for me to string her along when another guy can offer it.”
For Friend #1, it’s just a matter of choosing a guy too young, too immature. He’s merely 25 years old and it should take around a decade before he decides to walk down the aisle if ever. Being Caucasian and particularly French don’t help either.
These issues mirror mine closely.
Being almost 30, I feel the pressure ticking, not by my biological clock but rather in the lack of reassurance that Trader is the guy who I’ll be marrying in the far off future.
For one, his parents strongly disapprove of me, mirroring that of Friend #2’s case.
And second, I am older than Trader by 2.5 years.
It wasn’t because we both chose it. It was just how it turned out.
Given this, I am in more of a hurry than Trader. I don’t want to marry now don’t get me wrong, but he has to want to marry earlier because he is younger. I personally believe a guy shouldn’t even consider marriage till he’s 32, but how can Trader do that if that makes me 35 by then?
Lastly, not only does his parents disapprove of me, but they have launched an aggressive campaign against me.
“Your sister, we’d love her to get married. You, you should wait.”
“Why choose her? There are so many other women out there. You shouldn’t be in a rush to get married.”
“Why not choose someone younger?” — Okay, THIS stung. I mean, is it really my fault that I was born the year I was born?
Adding on to poor Trader’s pressure is his upcoming sister’s wedding which is later this year. In a way, this puts him in a spotlight, a place that no guy wants to be in.
“I am terrified of marriage,” he said yesterday. “I don’t understand how they can get married if their ducks aren’t yet in a row?”
Trader has a long timeline on how and when he wants to get married. He firstly wants to get settled, start and manage his bsuiness and once he’s financially stable, get married.
That would put me comfortably at the age of 38 years old unless he’s Speedy Gonzales. 😦
Okay, I exaggerate – but you get the picture. 😦
What even makes it more unfair is the fact that as I am, practically speaking, it would not be difficult to find someone who would marry me in the near future. You are only as good as your options, and thankfully, it’s not a bad thing to still be single and out there looking.
People often think that after breakups, their life is over.
In fact, it’s just the beginning of something new.
There are immense opportunities out there. People to meet. Experiences to be made. Flirting to be tried of.
But you cannot do that when you’re attached.
Anyway, I’ve talked to Trader this evening about this. He was, as always, as patient and sweet as he can be. He wasn’t defensive or angry when I asked him such sensitive questions. He was… loving.
As it turns out, he has also started thinking about the future. And though marriage was never mentioned, at the very least, I do find some comfort that I am part of his future when he thinks about it.
He does plan on how to integrate me in his family. A tough ask by any means but a reasonable request.
He does plan our traveling plans. We make plans to see each other late August.
In a way, I don’t really get my answers straight up. Trader has not proposed nor he should. There are still limits to how guys reassure women and proposing is not one of them, nor should it be.
But I do know this: Trader loves me. Quite a lot.
And that is probably the best reassurance I can have for now.
And as a reassurance to him even though he doesn’t read my blog (nor should he ever), is that I don’t really care when I get married if ever. I do care however that I am with someone who loves me.
And tonight had shown me that my heart’s at the right place.
Hope that everything’s great in your side of the world as well. It’s shaky in mine but soon, things should turn out allright.
Have a great weekend!