I think I may be counter-dependent according to this article. We quote:
The Weinholds lay out some distinctive counter-dependent traits in their book, such as having trouble getting close to people and difficulty sustaining intimacy in romantic relationships. Other characteristics include:
- Having limited ability to feel emotions in regards to romantic relationships (such as justified anger or sadness)
- Having a tendency to say no to new ideas from your partner
- Feeling anxiety while forming close relationships
- A need for perfection
- Being afraid of letting others control you
- Being consumed by the needs of your partner
- Refusing to ask for help
- Becoming easily bored
- Needing to constantly seek out new thrills
- Having a tendency to work long hours during the week and on weekends
“In our culture, counter-dependency is actually rewarded,” says Janae. “If you’re a person who has so much trouble with intimacy you’re willing to work 60 or 70 hours a week and are willing to be on the road traveling, it’s like ‘oh, that’s a good employee.’ It’s a socially accepted thing to be successful and that’s part of the trademark of the counter-dependent person. They are more successful ‘out in the world’ but not so successful at intimacy.”
I spent the evening last night crying.
Because I didn’t want to be changed by Trader from being a contemporary career woman to a dull housewife.
Because I didn’t want to live with the in-laws after I get married in fear that they’ll control me, my life, my children and everything else.
Because I didn’t feel that my twice a year vacations are that easy to give up. And so are unnecessary purchases as Prada bags and whatnots.
Because I didn’t know whether being with one person for the rest of your life is anything to be joyful about. What about other cute guys that may come your way who are much more compatible for you?
Because I don’t want to be limited in my career or personal growth just because I’m having offsprings.
Because I didn’t want to give up my freedom and independence. My identity. On who I am.
Because I am really afraid to let go in love. Because I feel people are selfish and Trader is with me for selfish reasons, and he’s molding me to his ideal woman, a result of which I didn’t like.
Because I am an emotional wretch who get mad at the littlest reasons.
Because I don’t think that I’m the woman for him. There are so many other docile, willing lovely creatures out there dying to get married and dying to start a legacy, and quit their jobs while they’re at it.
I am afraid and panicky of commitment.
I remember my conversation with Trader one day about the rest of our lives. I told him, “So you know, if we get married, I’ll be sacrificing a lot.”
“Why is that?” he asked.
“Well, that means you can only sleep with one same person for the rest of your life going forward,” I answered.
“Wait, isn’t that MY line?” he replied.
I would love to be happy, but not at the cost of what’s important to me. If I am to change who I am, will I still be happy?
We shall see. A lot of questions need to be answered.
The most important one is, Is Trader really the guy who can heal my counter dependency?