Lost Boys

It amazes me that age has limited correlation to maturity.

No matter how competent or professional a guy may seem at work, it doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s in a right place or time to pursue a woman for a stable relationship. Regardless on whether he’s ready or not to settle down, when he meets someone he’s physically attracted to, his sonar turns on and his little head gets to work.

I’d just got to have her,” an acquaintance of mine said last week as he woefully regrets breaking up with his then beautiful ex-girlfriend. “How can she choose someone from the US who wants to marry her, and has only known her for a few months?”

They broke up a week earlier after the girl found out that he was cheating on her with another woman. Before that, she was so in love with him and wanted to marry. He promised that he’ll get his shit together and asked for a year or so. Nonetheless, he couldn’t keep his thing in his pants and got caught.

The only difference was, the girl had enough self-respect to completely break it off.

She won’t take my calls, reply to my SMS,” he complained as he downed another glass of vodka cocktail. “Why would she want to be with that asshole? Why doesn’t she want to be with me?”

“Remove yourself from the situation and ask yourself this very fundamental question,” I said. “In the end, do you really want her want her, or are you wanting her because another guy wants her as well?”

“To be honest,” my friend admitted. “The other guy cares about her more, and she’s probably better off with him. But it drives me up the wall that he’d have her and I won’t!”

Sigh, guys are quite funny.

They more or less blindly chase after you when they’re attracted, and once they get you, like a cat who finally caught the red string, they lose interest. However, when the string’s being taken away or given to another cat, they put back their game on and want you back again!

It’s the challenge, the game,” my girlfriend once told me. “When you ask them to capture a game, they would sleep in mosquito infested areas, go without airconditioning and fight to have that kill. However, when you just drop the same game at their door dead, they don’t have interest. They are hunters, and the harder you are to get, the more fulfilled they are when they finally get you.”

I don’t know about you guys, but I find this statement quite true.

For me, relationships are not about games. It’s difficult to get my attention really, but once you do, everything else comes smoothly. I don’t pretend not to be interested if I am, and if I want you, then I let you know.

Needless to say, I’ve made some mistakes in the past, but more often, it’s becoming less than a challenge. Who from the female race has ever heard the famous last words, “It’s not you, it’s me.”

Guys, please do not use this as a breakup line. We all know it’s us. 🙁

However, my post today is not to lambast the opposite sex. Not at all. Contrary to what you may think, I love men. They’re great and when they’re really trying to charm you, they’re utterly and devastatingly wonderful. I think we need them in our lives, not just to pour their seeds to us, but more as a complement.

Without men, life would be extremely boring. 🙂

But I do think though that no matter how old they are, some men cannot stop being an eight-year old in disguise. A part of them are like kids. They don’t think too much. They just do and take care of the consequences later.

Which btw is terrific when they’re your friends (as they make life more interesting), but awful when you’re the poor girlfriend who’s up her arms trying to figure out why the guy isn’t making too much of an effort.

In the end, I think that boys can sometimes be quite lost.

You know, when they’re at the times of their lives when they’re quite settled in their careers, but for some reason, cannot get their priorities in relationships correctly, which drives us women up the wall?

For example, how about that guy who prays for a nice, emotionally stable, intelligent and independent woman — but somehow manages to date the skankiest, slightly stupid girl that he’s met at Room 18? After a few weeks of dating her, he complains to you how exhausted he is because she’s manipulative, needy and clingy, but for some reason can’t get over that addiction?

It’s the attraction, Bonita,” they’d tell me. “I just can’t explain it.”

True, attraction holds a pretty big key to a guy wanting to be with a woman. Personally though, I don’t have too much pity for a guy who’s asked for this curse for himself. If he finds it emotionally exhausting because she’s “psycho,” maybe he can just reconsider the relationship and simply dump her?

But no…. they go on and off, on and off, till one day she gets pregnant (she tells him it’s accidental) and he has no choice but to marry her. Ha!

Or how about that guy who’s just not ready to settle down and still wants to date around but promises a woman the earth, the sky and the sun just to get her in bed? Then he gives her that crappy line, “It’s not you, it’s me” or “You deserve better,” so that he can chase after someone else? Two weeks later after you break up, you see that he’s moved on for another kill and you just want to kill him?

Or how about that man who pretty much dumps you, but basically still calls you ad-hoc when he’s lonely just in case he can still get more action? And then when you keep your legs firmly closed, sulks in the corner because he’s not getting any?

I have met a lot of these lost boys.

Many of these lost men are actually my friends. As mentioned, they are terrific as friends but suck as boyfriends. Hence, I can afford to be an observer in the whole drama of things.

I’ve met guys who literally “scout” for action at a hip bar in Hongkong. It’s hilarious.

Imagine this, hot shots at work, but at the club, they just circle and dance around the club hoping to attract a girl’s attention. When they find someone they kinda find to be somewhat attractive, they move closer to this woman and try to bump and grind against her. If unsuccesful, they move along until they find another woman to bump and grind with.

And there I was, looking at them disappear every so often as they circle the club for the entire evening. I think they probably went around Prive a few times. They’d pop by and say hi, and then continue to dance around the club again. My god, it reminds me so much of the song, “Ring a round of rosie.”

There are also guy friends who would continually buy women drinks for the entire evening, just for the hopes of getting her drunk enough so she’d agree to sleep with him at the end of the evening. Okay, so sue me if I don’t get it — what is the attraction on screwing a drunken, puking lady who’s just passed out in your bed?

Well, a hole is a hole, is a hole.” my friend explained. “Maybe when she sobers up after she passes out and finds herself in her bed, they can have sex again.”

“Well, an asshole is an asshole, is an asshole, asshole,” my feisty girlfriend of mine shot back. Hey, don’t kill the messenger… her words not mine.

Anyway, I really do wonder — at which point will these lost boys stop horsing around? At which point do they finally realize that they’re not Peter Pan and settle down?

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To be honest, I don’t really know.

I’ve met these Lost Boys in their teens, their 20s and even guys in the 40s. You cannot imagine how lecherous these men may be despite appearances. No matter what their position or social status are, it’s practically the same.

Do note that I am not saying that all men are evil. That would be baseless and stupid and not true at all.

However, what I am saying is that appearances can be deceiving and that nice family man with four kids may be cheating on his wife. That boss of yours you respect may actually be using prostitutes on his business trip. That geeky guy from IT may download porn at work. That sweet boyfriend of your best friend may be into bondage and chains.

Some may be far-fetched but do not let a man’s position or reputation fool you. Some of the guys my friends find to be very nice and decent, are probably the dirtiest friends I know. Sure, I still love them to death, but for sure, they are NOT as angelic as you may think.

So who knows?

And heck if it’s our job to know. Some women try to tame and change a man but for that, I just say, leave them alone. If they don’t want to grow up, then just let them be. The only person you can change is probably just yourself. Trying to change somebody else is a futile endeavor, or so I think.

And this my friends make me somewhat demanding.

A guy friend tells me that I am demanding because I expect men to behave a certain way.

I protested. “I do not. I do not force a guy to do anything he himself would not want to do.”

“Yes, but if he doesn’t do what you expect him to do, you just walk away,” he replied. 

That’s actually quite true — I never really try to change a guy, but if I find him quite lost and confused, I just walk away. I stay away from the drama.

Is this the right way to do it?

Seriously, I have no clue.

But at the very least, you’re in tune to find out!

Have a great week everyone!

About Bonita

I'm a forgetful person. But I think a lot. Every day, a lot of thoughts enter my head. That's why this blog came to be: first, to keep my memories alive through the years, and two, to actually see how I and my thoughts have changed. Please note that I seldom draft or edit my posts. Sometimes, if I'm not careful, I offend some of you, my readers. And while I apologize for making you feel uncomfortable, I am not sorry for being honest or for making well-intentioned mistakes. I will however be the first to admit if I change my mind. Hence, do read and proceed with caution. My life is as colorful and as boring as you make it. I complain many days, but offer some encouragement in others. Life is fluid, it changes. So keep the positives and throw away the negatives, and I do hope that at the end of the day, you will enjoy reading the blog and leaving comments here and there if my posts touches you. Happy reading!
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3 Responses to Lost Boys

  1. Dragonstalker says:

    I was often pondering the same, though from more a general view.
    The “Lost boys (or girls- — heee heeee! — A male chauvinist pig joke was in order 😉 )” as you described them so well… are they the majority of people? 20%? 30%? 70%? 90%? 100% only some hide it well?

    It seems to me that the more attractive the man (or woman) is, the more of them he/she attracts and can get the impression that everyone is like that with frightening ease.

    I liked your analysis a lot, moreso because it was very neutral 🙂

  2. anonymous7 says:

    Bonita, which i doubt is your real name, first I want to say that I am a little surprised at how easily you agreed with me in your last post. When I write, I sound more confident in my opinions than I really am, as it is just easier to get my point across rather than if i am indecisive. It almost sounds a little like when you wrote your response, you were afraid of offending me. I am very difficult to offend and I really am interested in what you have to say, especially if it’s different from what I think. I debate all the time with my friends and I believe that talking with others and saying what you truly believe is a good way to see things from a different point of view. I have even completely changed my views before. It’s great that you write for yourself, and no one else. That is the same reason why I write sometimes. I just want to make it clear that it isn’t your thoughts that I find offputting, but rather feminism and the ignorant generalizations people often use. I actually agree with many of the things you have written, by the way.

    Haha, every time you write, I feel as if I have something to say. Your blog is pretty entertaining to read. I guess relationships is something everyone is interested about. Anyways, I totally agree with your view on walking away from people. Changing someone is already difficult, but it is possible. But the whole point of being in a relationship isn’t to babysit the other person or to mold them into who you want them to be. You want them to have their own identity and the ability to improve themselves on their own. Although, it’s also important to realize that no one is perfect, and everyone has flaws, so it does depend on how significant their flaws are.

    As far as the whole thing on the Lost Boys, I don’t believe it is so much gender oriented. It really depends on the person. I have seen women use guys, heard stories about women cheating, etc…. And it is very interesting to see how much power some girls have over guys. Even I am interested in how far some guys will go for girls they are attracted to. I guess my point is that there are definitely a lot of unethical men. But there also exist many unethical women. I don’t think judging the men at clubs is an accurate protrayal of men because there are MANY shady people at clubs, men and women alike. However, I will agree with you that if we go by strictly the percentages, I believe the number of men exhibiting unethical behavior is greater. This is due to many factors, but I believe one of them is societal influences. For example, it is socially acceptable for men to sleep with many women, whereas if a women sleeps with many men, it looks really bad on her. Another factor is that right now, although this is changing, more men are in positions of power, which makes it easier for them to attract women.

    And also, as far as men being more immature, I agree but believe that it is the result of society. So, although this is slightly off on a tangent, I believe that the only thing that separates cockiness from confidence is the outcome. If you are successful, then it was confidence and vice versa. So confidence is not a trait dependent on the person, but the outcome of a situation. Society has encouraged men to be confident and discouraged women to be confident. It is difficult to grow and mature and look at yourself honestly when you are confident, as you always believe that you are right. So, I think partly that more women are mature because they are not as confident and can evaluate themselves honestly, and grow as a result. That is just my theory though.

    It’s great that you admit how amazing men are :). When it comes to relationships, I also don’t like to play mind games. I think as you grow up, people start to grow out of it. Anyways, I have a question for you. You said that when you are interested in a guy, you let him know. How do you let him know? Although I have my own theory on men and women, I am interested in your answer.

  3. Bonita says:

    DS, think that many men have the lost boy in them. Which makes us women want to protect them and dry their tears away.

    Anonymous7, what you wrote is amazing. I will not comment as it would minimize what you wrote. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

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