Breaking the Toxic Relationship Pattern

I’ve often wondered why how so many intelligent, competent and beautiful women remain single – while irritating bimbos get all the men?

My Taiwanese best friend is an example. She’s smart, sexy and still single. Guys who’d go after her are married 40-year old bosses and nerdy engineers from Hsinchu who lists video games as their main hobby. Most often the mistress, never the woman of a decent man’s dreams.

My sophisticated former wallclimbing partner is the same. She works in one of the best car companies in the world, but for some reason, manages to sleep with expat men who travel to Taiwan for business, but never wants to get in a real exclusive I’m-emotionally-available relationship with her.

Another friend seems to get booty call offers than dates. They start off nicely, but somehow, she becomes the girl that guys call up if they can’t get any in the evening. Sad place to be in really.

Wonderful women, but for some reason find themselves crashing and burning when it comes to relationships. 

I used to be an example of one, until recently. Perennially single with a sprinkle of alpha males here and there that’s terrific on paper but cannot really seem to deliver in the relationship front, I’m usually the victim of a debonair suitor who just cannot commit. Usually, men would see me, want me, chase after me and then lose interest almost immediately after they got me.

Sure, I got the catch. Most of the guys I used to date were “Head of something,” but they were also a headache to maintain.

They were all ambitious, successful and equally stubborn and a know-it-all (given their worldly experiences).

They were in an exclusive relationship, but you can just feel that they’re really not that into the relationship. When you date them, there were a few times that you can feel them getting lost in their thoughts — a perfectly lonely place to be for the woman.

They were all fun to be with, and yet, were only fun while they lasted.

Hence, it’s inevitable that the relationship would crash and burn horribly. Poor little Bonita would have her heart fall and not caught multiple times.

And hence, the singlehood. Collectively, I’ve only been in a relationship for 18 months together and this is a sad statistic. I was more single than in a relationship, and this is quite pathetic for such a traditional woman who wanted nothing better than to be loved and cherished.

I don’t think I’m alone — everywhere, independent women like myself find it hard to find and maintain a relationship and we don’t know why. Hence, we can always relate with chick books like “Bridge Jones Diary” who tries and fails to find love. The only reason why it ended happily ever after was because the author knew she had to sell books, and needed to end at a nicer note.

Admittedly, I don’t think that men are at fault. No-uh. Nonetheless, I don’t think that the women are entirely at fault either.

Instead, I blame this awful trend with expectations.

 Every woman expects a guy to be rich, successful, handsome and doting. Honestly speaking, how many rich, successful, handsome AND doting men can you ever realistically find?

Sure you can get rich and successful – easy – but ensuring that this person is head over heels in love with you is a different story especially when there’s so many other good looking, sexy and smart women out there. Sorry babe, in terms of statistics, there’s too much demand of decent women to meet the best Prince Charming, and too little supply of guys who fit in women’s high standards!

Of course, put in the mix that women insist on having a guy who’s uber sexy and also intelligent (we read too many romance bestsellers I’m afraid) and you now have a recipe for disaster.

Consequently, what we now have are lots of nice men who are passed over by women who expect and are willing to wait for the very best guy that comes along. “If he doesn’t fit my standards,” a woman would wail, “Then I’d rather be single.”

Rightly so, and if you have this mindset, prepare yourself for being single for a very long time. Even when you meet the man of your dreams, you set him up for disaster by placing a lot of roadblocks in his way.

Such as: “The guy should pay,” “The guy should call me 3 days before the date,” “The guy should do this and that.”

Till when will we wake up from our nice little bubble and accept guys as who they are, instead on who we want them to be? In a way, I feel bad for this men who are being set up for failure.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I believe in standards.

Women should love and respect themselves enough to maintain a minimal standard. If a guy doesn’t treat you well, then you get rid of them. Period.

But we don’t make these standards unrealistic. If you do, ensure that you have the body of Megan Fox, the charms of Heidi Klum, and the cooking of Martha Stewart. You have to be that guy’s dream girl as well, and you must trump every woman that comes along. You don’t age, you don’t get fat.

Ladies, enough is enough.

I can’t make you change your minds or your super high expectations – but I can change mine. Ladies and gentlemen, I am breaking the pattern.

Instead of going for the glitter and flash, I would rather go for the understated charms of someone I can laze around with in a Sunday afternoon, and he’ll like me regardless on whether I wear make up or not. He will be there for me if I’m puking after a hard night’s drinkout, and will hold up my ponytail just to make it better.

Instead of going for the guy who dazzles me with jewels and empty promises, I’d rather go for the man who keeps his promises and is always there for me when I need him. His time and presence when I need it is assured, and he will dazzle me with his moral support, and it’s great to go on life knowing that someone is always after your well-being and is on your side.

Instead of being with someone who everyone thinks is a great catch, I’d rather chose someone I KNOW who is a terrific catch, mainly because he adores me, pampers me and treats me like gold.

Instead of a guy I can show off, I’d rather be with someone I can comfortably be with and talk to. Instead of chasing after a non-committal man who’s still playing the field, I’d rather be with someone who feels as if he’s won the lottery just because he’s with you.

I’m breaking the pattern.

Sure all the other status and trimmings are great, but at the end of the day when it’s just you and him, who’ll really care about what car he drives or what job he has? Earlier on, I’ve learnt that there’s a huge difference with a guy who has money and someone who actually spends the money ON YOU.

I’d rather be someone else’s world, than for a guy who sees me as just one person in the whole world if you get my meaning. I’m sorry if you find this egotistical, but in choosing between pain with the unavailable man who everybody knows and the average Joe who is yours alone, I choose the latter.

This is my choice.

I’m giving Mr. Nice Guy a chance to make me happy. Likewise, I’m giving him a chance to be happy as well.

What’s yours?

Have a great weekend!

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About Bonita

I'm a forgetful person. But I think a lot. Every day, a lot of thoughts enter my head. That's why this blog came to be: first, to keep my memories alive through the years, and two, to actually see how I and my thoughts have changed. Please note that I seldom draft or edit my posts. Sometimes, if I'm not careful, I offend some of you, my readers. And while I apologize for making you feel uncomfortable, I am not sorry for being honest or for making well-intentioned mistakes. I will however be the first to admit if I change my mind. Hence, do read and proceed with caution. My life is as colorful and as boring as you make it. I complain many days, but offer some encouragement in others. Life is fluid, it changes. So keep the positives and throw away the negatives, and I do hope that at the end of the day, you will enjoy reading the blog and leaving comments here and there if my posts touches you. Happy reading!
This entry was posted in Favorite Posts, Life lessons, Men, Relationships. Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to Breaking the Toxic Relationship Pattern

  1. Dragonstalker says:

    🙂 🙂 🙂

  2. ArtC says:

    SO it is finally on with trader. is it or isnt it? official or just “dating”
    -BTW, 18 months only been in relationships for total of 18 months. in comparison im a serial monogomist. i have been in at least 3 relationships that have lasted 18 months. ( im only 27, oh wait 28 since last week) i have been in a slew of others that didnt pass the 6 month test. so wow that is impressive, if you look squarely at the numbers, you are less committed than i.

    love your blog. and btw, i have a lot of female frineds who are looking for something, but they like the human contact in the mean time. they play the field as much as the guys. some are not interested in something serious as they dont have time to spend on the relationship. so i think this is true for some and also incorrect for others. its all about priorities, its hard to have it all so what are you willing to step back from to have some it all.

    Enjoy the weekend,

    AC

  3. Bonita says:

    Well, am a serial monogamist and very very loyal. Just turns out that when I do date, despite their first initial intentions, guys transform to be non-commital. Hence, I know I’ve hit the jackpot when the guy I’d finally choose turns out someone who shares the same definition of commitment as I do. 🙂

    So AC, numbers have nothing to do with commitment. It takes two to tango. Sometimes, there’s really nothing you can do when you want to continue but the other person does not.

    Meanwhile, appreciate that some girls know what they want. But for me, I like ALL IN better. If am not doing something 100%, then never mind.

    Enjoy your weekend as well!

    Hey hey DS to you back!

  4. ArtC says:

    Bonita,

    your right does take two make a couple. 100% agreed. but just as you have realized and i was about to point out, its not you but the men you chose to try to be in a couple with.

    anyways. saw this article and thought you might enjoy it.

    http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articlemcmatch.aspx?cp-documentid=19563849&GT1=32023

    AC

  5. Bonita says:

    Cool AC — I’m 2 years shy of 30 though. 🙂

    Not that it’s a big difference!

  6. ArtC says:

    SO AM I, but i feel so OLD all the time now

  7. Teresa says:

    “I’d rather be someone else’s world, than for a guy who sees me as just one person in the whole world” Nice saying there!
    Love your posts, keep it up!

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