The one you love, or the one who loves you more?

Spent an emotional weekend with two of my boys and the difference between them couldn’t had been starker.

Despite living in the same city as Trader, my ex-boyfriend only got to see me the day before I was supposed to leave.

We were at a mutual acquaintance’s event, which was the main reason for a visit. And he was seated at the other table and I at mine. None of those sitting around us wouldn’t had been wiser on my ex and I’s shared history.

As it turns out, he lost his phone and my number the day before, and had no way to contact me. And since I was being mission impossible (e.g., I didn’t tell him where I stayed), he had no way to contact me and only got to see me at this event.

Plausible excuse, and very valid I’m sure. This I’m sure he’s not just bullshitting. But the fact of the matter is, I don’t like it that our relationship is hidden and only I and him know that we have ever had this connection.

So basically, though the reasons for us meeting each other later in my trip is valid, as most of you had commented before, this doesn’t justify his past actions. Basically, he wasn’t there whenever I needed him, and only popped up on times that were convenient for him, or so it seems. 😦

I know I should travel to see you  more, ” he had said before. Yes, but what’s keeping him from doing just so? He has the moolah and am sure able to get the time to make the trip…? Personally, if a guy isn’t really showing too much of an effort, I think that he’s just not that into you.

Well, he was into me that evening and how can he not?

I looked fabulous and I was seated right beside a good looking acquaintance who my friend is trying to pair us with. To what it would seem, my ex knew that he had competition and had taken his claws out trying to get me back.

Guys are really funny.

One day, they take you for granted, while the next day, he wants you back, at least for the moment. It makes me think as the “backup woman” who is only in demand when is convenient for the man.

Upon sitting at my table, he then told me why he wasn’t able to keep in touch. “There were so many hotels here that I didn’t know which one you would’ve been staying, but I did try to contact you!”

Later, he whispered to ask if he can see me that evening.

No,” I said.

My resolve was too weak.

I wasn’t strong enough to see him alone.

With a large group of people, I am perfectly safe and he cannot touch me. But me being alone with him is like placing heroin in front of an addict and leaving him in the room. I am ashamedly addicted to this man and I know that all he did was say the right words and do the right things and despite my earlier hesitations, I would be putty to his hands.

Yes, it’s very meladromatic but it’s the truth.

Despite his many faults and lack of consideration  for me, what the mind thinks and what the heart wants are two different things. I still like him very much, and a bond exists between us. It would’ve been very difficult for me to say no and not do anything I’d regret.

Sigh, all right — we women can be so weak sometimes.

Ex-boyfriend was slightly shocked at my answer. He was pretty much expecting me to answer otherwise. Fortunately, we had a larger group of people with us and he couldn’t ask more without giving himself away.

I left and partied with other friends afterwards. Him trying to stall me from leaving but not really being able to join us, and me trying to just get away from there because I cannot really keep up with this farce of stopping myself of being away from him

My ex- is like a drug for me — we know it’s unhealthy and it’s bad for us. And yet, we cannot keep ourselves from taking a puff if we don’t stop ourselves. An addiction so to speak, that I am trying to get rid of myself from.

And I’ve been experiencing withdrawal pains from my addiction with my ex. Up to the point of after the partying, I broke down and cried a bit.

I mourned for the relationship I wanted, but didn’t really deserved if I was a bit less into my ex-boyfriend. I mean, who would want a half-baked relationship that doesn’t really have that much of a future.

I mourned for regretting not saying yes, and yet, submitted to the decision because if I did allow myself to see him, I would feel like a greater shit the next day.

I mourned for my attraction for Ex who doesn’t treat me as well as Trader does, and I know that I deserve nothing less.

I mourned for my weakening resolve and my lack of pride, for even mourning!

Yes, I broke down and cried. I felt bad and I felt weak.

But it had to be done.

Otherwise, it would’ve started another vicious cycle of us starting and ending, beginning and him disappearing. It’s unhealthy and not good for us both and it’s got to stop.

On my way to the airport, I asked Trader how he would feel if he was the rebound guy, not really saying that he is in this position. Would he swallow his pride and be this person who comforts the crying woman who hurts because of someone else?

Trader pauses.

He then answers, “No I don’t really mind. Because to have her, even though it’s just crumbs, is far better than nothing…”

Damnit. Why is he this terrific? Why does he want me? Why, why why?

There is nothing I can complain about the man save for the fact that he is too giving. He is far too selfless and considerate and wonderful, and heck, is this even a complaint?

For example, upon my arrival, Trader took off earlier from work and picked me up from the airport.

After he helped me check in at the hotel, we then tried out this fine dining restaurant near Dempsey Road.  “Do you usually bring your girls here, Trader?” I teased him. “Maybe that’s just part of one of your ‘moves?'”

“Well, I’ve never been here before,” he gently confessed. “But I’ve always wanted to try good food with someone special.”

I appreciated his thoughtful efforts.

For one, he chose a place he thought I would like and second, as he doesn’t make a gazillion dollars as my ex-boyfriend does, you do realize that he’s actually saved up for this meal and only to splurge it upon my arrival.

The next few days was spent with us talking, ala Before Sunrise and After Sunset with just getting to know each other.

I proved that I was this complicated, strong, opinionated woman who can be laidback one day and exciting the next.

He proved that he was a very responsible, dependable, very very decent human being who would make some lucky girl happy if he did chose her, and her loving him back.

My friends think that I’m very simple,” he confessed. “Sometimes, girls don’t want simple. They want the bad boys who hurt them and make it exciting.”

“I do understand why girls would want a bad boy,” I admitted. “However, sometimes you wonder how much hurt you’re going to take, and you find yourself looking for something decent.”

Sigh.

Sometimes, I wish he wasn’t this sweet. It makes me want to ruffle his hair and lie my head in his shoulder. “You really like to pamper me, don’t you?” I asked.

Trader was all the while, just a perfect gentleman.

He helped with the seats, was ultra-considerate most of the time, and noticed subtle things about you as if to learn about your needs and habits.  When you were thirsty, he’d asked if you’d like to have a drink. When you’re conscious of the weather, he asks whether you’d need a scarf. Never I had somebody this attentive, and wanted to get to know me for me.

It’s a scary feeling — forgive me for sounding a tad crass, but seriously, it’s like having the power to really hurt someone right in your hands. Maybe I may have misread the signals as he never confessed how he really felt about me, quite content at the moment to let his actions and countless hints do the talking, but really, when a person is into you, you’d really know.

Why don’t you just give it a go?” my friend asked me. “If he was really this wonderful, why not just give it a try?”

“When a man offers his heart to you,” I answered. “You just don’t give it a go just for the heck of it. Whereas he’s being very sincere in showing you how he feels, then I would think that he deserves the same amount of consideration, and if you cannot love him back, you don’t just play for the heck of it.”

I look at the words I’ve written so far, and it’s not making too much sense. My wounds are still to fresh, and my mind hasn’t yet analyzed on what transpired on the last few days.

If it’s any consolation, with Ex- as a contrast, I am starting to appreciate Trader for who he is. He is wonderful and he makes me smile and though I am not there yet, I could imagine that he is very easy to love.

Someone told me before, “Go for the one that loves you instead of you loving them more. You’ll be a lot happier for it.”

In contrast to what my friends believe, I don’t think that Trader loves me. That would be too darn fast.

However, I think think the entire thing is a process. I myself am trying to see whether my feelings will blossom for him. I think it is, though I’d like to give it more time to tell.

If I’m smart and sane, I should go for Trader.

And not because he’s the back up plan, but rather for the wonderful person that he is.

I’m not there yet.

But hopefully, he’ll be a tad more patient as I deal with my shit first. And still be waiting as I make up my mind.

And am sure you’d agree, if I know what’s best for me, who to choose.

Time will definitely tell.

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About Bonita

I'm a forgetful person. But I think a lot. Every day, a lot of thoughts enter my head. That's why this blog came to be: first, to keep my memories alive through the years, and two, to actually see how I and my thoughts have changed. Please note that I seldom draft or edit my posts. Sometimes, if I'm not careful, I offend some of you, my readers. And while I apologize for making you feel uncomfortable, I am not sorry for being honest or for making well-intentioned mistakes. I will however be the first to admit if I change my mind. Hence, do read and proceed with caution. My life is as colorful and as boring as you make it. I complain many days, but offer some encouragement in others. Life is fluid, it changes. So keep the positives and throw away the negatives, and I do hope that at the end of the day, you will enjoy reading the blog and leaving comments here and there if my posts touches you. Happy reading!
This entry was posted in Men, Ramblings, Reflections, Relationships. Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to The one you love, or the one who loves you more?

  1. @l says:

    carrie ?

  2. Nowshad says:

    Thank you for this article. I am in the same situation and I am going to choose the one that loves me. Thank you so much.

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