The bus rambles from the background. I hear it from my huge window, covered with a sheer curtain. In her beautiful shoebox, Bonita is lonely.
It’s been awhile since I’ve ever felt this — being truly alone. A stranger in an unchartered land with much to discovery and yet fearful of the dangers lying ahead. Put it this way, although I’ve only opened my bank account today, I still have no phone, no official ID card and no home. If I disappeared tomorrow, nobody really will miss me aside from my boss who will mutter why the hell did she transfer me.
It is depressing. Really.
Twice were the times that I felt tears forming in my eyes. They’re the types that don’t gush but just sit there. Fortunately, I am so busy that the feeling goes away. I feel bad and it’s just a feeling that just pops out. It strucks you, and for a second, you feel weak.
But just for a second.
You remind yourself of your age and realize that this is the second time you’ve lived in a foreign place. You were successful once, grew and outgrew the Formosan island. And heck, you can do it again.
Honestly though, I miss Taiwan. My departure did not come with too much fanfare. Heck, I didn’t even have a proper farewell party.
And yet, I miss Fi’s company and her comforting words. We had a mutual girlie agreement to support each other. I miss PC and his constant invites out to Barcode and Room 18. I miss the pace of the office where people linger and enjoy the way how things have been done and will always be done.
My boyfriend is no help. We have not been in contact since Monday and this also, makes me sad. You know the inevitable but don’t really have the heart to pull the plug. You do miss him and the feelings are still there. And yet, what if you already know the movie’s ending — do you have the guts to walk out of the theatre or watch it through?
“Coward,” I mutter.
I should be jubilant — I am in a city that’s even more alive than Taipei (as I’ve said, the noise of buses outside are both irritating and comforting) with millions of possibilities (if I don’t get laid off in January), and finally finding out the true colors of my relationship (though you wish it would be longer, by golly).
But as I’ve written above, I am plagued by fears of a third redundancy exercise in my firm. With every company cutting its numbers, every employee is a target… and you wonder, how cruel will they be in cutting the most junior person in the team even though she has just been transferred there.
“Ｌast in, first out,” my boyfriend unkindly reminded me last weekend. “Or the most senior guys are told to leave because they take most out of the coffers.”
I hope he is talking about himself. 😦
I should get out of this depressive state. Truth be told, in time, things will be fine. I will be more comfortable in my new surroundings, kick ass in my job, make new friends and find someone who deserves me.
And yet, it doesn’t save me from the mood I am in. The feeling is a bit infectious and I feel bad that I am not in my usual jolly self. As I’ve told Fi, “Ｙou know, everything will be okay… it’s just getting to the ‘okay’ that just sucks.”
Hope that everything is okay, and if you have some words of comfort, feel free to shower it in as I need it.
Meanwhile, to those who know me, apologies for just running away from Taipei without subsequently informing everyone. The move was quite sudden really and all the proper transferring procedures were just in a week. Hope that you don’t feel I’m callous for just going just like that. Though the news of the move itself was not a surprise, the wheels of the transfer was quite sudden. And hope you can understand that.
Have a great week everyone!