Dating: A process and not a marriage end-all/be-all

Did you know that I was completely single for three years before starting to date this man? Hence, contrary to my colorful dating exploits, am still such a baby when it comes to relationships and it shows. However, I’m gradually learning and hoping I can keep my foot steady.

What I’ve noticed is that men test you constantly. I don’t think they do it in purpose or are conscious that they’re doing it.

For example, I often find my man throwing out some random comment that pisses the hell out of me, only for me to slowly think, “Heck, what am I really pissed about? He’s just thinking aloud so nothing yet is cast in stone so I shouldn’t worry too much about it.”

Yes, people often think too much in a relationship.

My man for example thought about marriage and babies on the first few weeks in our relationship and wondered how I would fit in the picture.

I was like, “Whoa! I want to be married someday but doesn’t mean that you’re the person beside me then. It all depends how we go and how we treat each other. If it’s good, marriage is a natural next step. Otherwise, sorry… and next! That’s why we’re dating — so we can discover whether we’re really meant for each other or not.”

A lot of people think that they’re going to marry the person from the beginning of the relationship. Especially with my 30-year old girlfriends, they find it important that a man must already have a mindset to marry them before even dating them.

My time is running short, Bonita,” they’d say in their defense. “If a guy doesn’t want to marry me, why would I even want to date him?”

Whoaaaaa girls! Hold on a minute!

We’re jumping the gun, aren’t we?

Just to be clear, I don’t think that having marriage in mind when you’re starting a relationship is a bad thing.

That’s great.

I myself also don’t believe in callous casual relationships. I value myself too much than to do otherwise.

However, if you think about marrying this guy at the start of the relationship, then you’re getting ahead of yourselves. How do you know if this guy is the One? Because you feel it in the depth of your heart? šŸ™‚

Sure, I believe in intuition too, but seriously, savor the dating experience!

That’s why it’s a process — because you take it day by day, observing whether you get along well with this person enough that you actually have a future. If you feel this man is stable, responsible and can take care of you in the long run, then great. Otherwise, just cry then let him go.

What’s the point of clinging on a person just because you want to be in a relationship? That would be giving yourself a HUGE disservice. You find the right person and enjoy being in a relationship with them, NOT be in a relationship just because you’re lonely and you want the emotional turmoil.

Not worth it, babe.

I liken it too much with a metaphor.

Girls scream foul when they find out that men do the lovey-dovey stuff to get sex. Ever heard the old adage, “Men do love to get sex, while women have sex to get love.”

Women who enter relationships with marrying the guy they’re dating in mind are like men who pour on all the sweet words to you just to get you into bed.

Think about it, it’s true.

For some men, they don’t care who they sleep with at the end of the evening so long as she’s breathing. Like these women, they too have standards — the girl can’t be too ugly, has to smell right and a few little things. But after these standards are met, then the woman is already in the running. It’s like women hoping that the guys they date are of a certain status and education.

If women demand marriage on the get go (at the start of the relationship when you know almost nothing about the person ‘cept for the best foot forward), they are not really being very picky. It’s like telling the guy, “Look dude, I want to get married right now. If you can’t keep up with the pressure, then you’re not worth my time. Next!”

That means you have marriage as a purpose in mind that you don’t care WHO you married. Don’t get me wrong but it seems to be that you’ll take just anyone who’ll be willing to marry you! If a guy comes and say, “No babe, am really serious about you. I’ll marry you,” then you’ll take it!

It’s like a guy who says, “Look babe, I want to have sex right now. If you can’t take the honesty, then you’re not worth my time. Next!”

See the resemblance? šŸ™‚

But it’s true — we balk against this men not knowing that we women do the same thing to men. A hole is a hole with Sarah, Michelle or Jane. Same goes to women, they want to get married and if you fit the bill and want to get married, hurrah! Let’s send out the wedding invitations!

That’s just wrong you think?

Dating is a process, an action verb. It’s not really a noun (okay, fine… it’s a gerund but you get my point).

We date because we want to see whether we can have an happily ever after with this person. We don’t date because we’re dead set on marrying this person… actually any person who’s unfortunate to get into a relationship with us.

Which is why I have a que sera sera demeanor on my relationship.

First, with it being an unfortunate LDR, there’s no sense in worrying too much about the relationship. Worrying and nagging do little to improve it. But I come with the open mindset in mind to see whether he’s really the one and whether we can conquer the distance.

My poker friend asked me last night, “If you think it’s not going to last and the possibilities are slimmer, then why do you still try?”

I told him that entering relationships are like watching movies. We watch the opening credits and some people balk and immediately leave the theatre. “I don’t want to cheapen my relationship and jump the gun LM,” I replied. “I want to see how the movie ends.”

But what if it seems like a crappy movie?” he asked.

Well, so long as both people are trying,” I explained. “I think that the relationship deserves the effort. So long as both of you care for each other, then I think it’s too early to wave the white flag.”

Yes, it’s very tough. Relationships itself are quite tough already but the distance is a killer. However, what keeps me through is that I know that dating is a process, and if it doesn’t work out, then it won’t. Naturally, we believe in Darwin’s Law and only the fittest survive.

But we shall see — we enter relationships with an open mind. And we give ourselves the chance to see if this one can be the One.

Enjoy the rest of the weekend everyone!

Advertisements

About Bonita

I'm a forgetful person. But I think a lot. Every day, a lot of thoughts enter my head. That's why this blog came to be: first, to keep my memories alive through the years, and two, to actually see how I and my thoughts have changed. Please note that I seldom draft or edit my posts. Sometimes, if I'm not careful, I offend some of you, my readers. And while I apologize for making you feel uncomfortable, I am not sorry for being honest or for making well-intentioned mistakes. I will however be the first to admit if I change my mind. Hence, do read and proceed with caution. My life is as colorful and as boring as you make it. I complain many days, but offer some encouragement in others. Life is fluid, it changes. So keep the positives and throw away the negatives, and I do hope that at the end of the day, you will enjoy reading the blog and leaving comments here and there if my posts touches you. Happy reading!
This entry was posted in Men, Relationships, Things I Ponder About. Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Dating: A process and not a marriage end-all/be-all

  1. Not for nothing but I think more women test men most of the time. My lady is constantly saying things trying to bait me into a certain conversation…she even admits to starting fights with me just to see if I really care…I guess it’s a two way road…as I will push her buttons at times to just to see how she reacts.

  2. Your comment about women have sex for love, men have love for sex struck me as interesting.

    I had to look up what gerund meant!

    Jonathan SKywalker
    http://www.surveymethod.net

  3. j.xu says:

    Nice post Bonita! I totally agree :)..

    It’s same as Ne-Yo sings in “Make it work” .. everything in life is a process and you work on it to bring it to another level.

    I found a nice blog:

    http://siwitje.hyves.nl/blog/17791309/Another_sad_love_story/ynLz/

    .. wanted to share it with you…

  4. bonita says:

    Thanks J Xu as always!

  5. paperclip says:

    hmmm……….

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s