Trepidation

I don’t feel like posting these days. My heart is heavy and my mouth slightly downturned these days.

Trepidation. A word that brings dread to one’s heart. It’s like walking out from your building, looking at the dark hazy clouds from a distance and you feel that it’s going to rain. Rain real hard.

Intuition. You know if something bad is going to happen. You cross your fingers and hope to god you’re wrong, but as you see red flags everywhere, you slowly start accepting the inevitable.

In a way, you are happy you have been forewarned. At least, it wouldn’t be such a surprise like the last time. When the rug was just pulled under your feet. Likewise, you hate it that you feel that it’s coming, and that big rock will hit you sooner or later.

Courage. I need it. So badly. I need to stand and bear events with dignity. So that on hindsight, you can proudly lift up your face and say, “Well, at least I gave it my best shot.” If only we can fast forward our life a few more weeks till the storm’s over. If only…

Pain. It hurts. Damnit it does. They say pain makes you stronger, but those who say that are not in pain. No matter how you say that the outcome is worthwhile, it still damn hurts. And you crush your eyes shut and you wish for it to go away. Sleep on it a bit. Shut yourself off from the world. But you can’t. The worst thing about pain is that you still have to wake up, shower, and go to work.

Live despite the pain. Pretend as if nothing is different. Smile when your heart bleeds.

The best way to handle things for now is to stay calm, rational, logical. Focus on the future, and not at the present. Look at the good things that will come in the next few weeks. There are a lot of things to look forward to. Look at what’s in front of you and force yourself to smile, instead of looking at what’s in your life right now and cry yourself to sleep.

Don’t think about it. Pretend as if everything’s okay. Smile. Smile. Laugh. Party. Drink up. Smile.

Then again, life always works out well. In the end, things work out well. That’s why I hope. Because no matter how shitty I may feel right now, everything gets better. Only better. And you forget the bad memories and the hurtful words, and you focus on things that will one day, again make you happy.

I was happier a few weeks ago. How fast the tide turns, doesn’t it? Don’t take me as the sentimental trumpet who has to eat her own words. I still stand by my own words, but with a bit more wisdom. Things that burn bright has a greater risk of crashing and burning. Things that start extra strong, with chemistry that blows your mind away, may sometimes fool you into saying, “This is it!” instead of the more cautionary, “Is this… it?”

There are hours where I wish someone would wrap their arms around me and just embrace me. Kiss my forehead and calm my breaking heart. But the distance is a killer if not one of the breaking reasons. We knew it when we first began, but it still sucks.

Distance — accentuates the good and the bad. Makes the heart flounder or grow founder. Guess where mine ended up? Or then again, it may be best to be this way… lest you waste too much time on something that has no future anyway.

But I am getting ahead of myself. Three weeks. Still too early. But then again, maybe it’s already too late.

Have a great weekend everyone and happy halloween!

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About Bonita

I'm a forgetful person. But I think a lot. Every day, a lot of thoughts enter my head. That's why this blog came to be: first, to keep my memories alive through the years, and two, to actually see how I and my thoughts have changed. Please note that I seldom draft or edit my posts. Sometimes, if I'm not careful, I offend some of you, my readers. And while I apologize for making you feel uncomfortable, I am not sorry for being honest or for making well-intentioned mistakes. I will however be the first to admit if I change my mind. Hence, do read and proceed with caution. My life is as colorful and as boring as you make it. I complain many days, but offer some encouragement in others. Life is fluid, it changes. So keep the positives and throw away the negatives, and I do hope that at the end of the day, you will enjoy reading the blog and leaving comments here and there if my posts touches you. Happy reading!
This entry was posted in Men, Relationships, Things I Ponder About, Updates. Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Trepidation

  1. Dragonstalker says:

    Like you, I believe in things working out well and life being an upwards spiral. Don’t give in to to the trepidation yet and remember that there are many reasons for anyone to love you.
    Happy Halloween!

  2. jxu says:

    .. I’ve been pondering what to tell you, after reading your post and… till now I still don’t know what to tell you ..

    ..

    .

    .. all I want to do is… hug you.. wrap my arms around you and give you all the love and warmth in this world, so you don’t feel the way you feel right now..
    .. sometimes we don’t need words to let someone know that we care, just actions.. I hope this will help you through your “rough” time and…
    .. don’t want to be mean or anything, but you wrote..

    “But the distance is a killer if not one of the breaking reasons.”

    .. distance.. I don’t believe in distance to be frank -> there are other reasons underneath this.. but it seems that these underlying reasons has taken their toll on you guys.. 😦 … because I sincerely believe that love can move mountains or whatever.. because, if a man wants to be with you .. he’ll make you his.. … but darn, I’ve read my response over and over and.. he is really not worth it => .. you should be with someone together who can make you cry.. make you as mad as h*ll..

    .. but… he simply doesn’t…. because he loves you and wants to be with you.. see you smiling, instead of crying.. with other words, wants the best for you!

    .. as you’ve said before, what’s ment to be will happen.. if not, pink tear away and move on.. you’ve got a bright and loving future ahead of you.. as you’ve said… there are more losers to meet, but the guys will get better ;)..

    with Love,

    J.

  3. Bonita says:

    Thanks J. Xu for that lovely comment. Can’t believe how much comfort I rececived from your sweet words.

    And thanks DS for leaving a note. Guess if can’t get love from this guy, then NEXT! 🙂

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