Books had always advised us to play hard to get. To not show our true selves. To not call even if we want to. To pretend we are someone we’re not just to get someone to like us.
Today, I’ve broken these rules. I’ve revealed myself too much today. I metaphorically lie naked in plain sight in front of him, entirely vulnerable.
He asked me about my needs yesterday. “What are your needs? What do you want from me?” he inquired.
It required some thinking. Nobody has really asked me about my needs before, nor did I dare voice them out either orally or in paper. It just never occured to me to actualize my needs. He asked me to break my needs down in terms of the emotion, the physical, the social, the tactile and of course, one of my favorite pasttimes, my traveling requirements.
So simple to ask, but they were honestly tough questions to answer.
Dare I share with him what I really need from him, from love, from my future partner? If he finds out, what would he think? Would he see me as demanding, possessive, insecure?
People usually show off their real selves, their best selves. Revealing your needs somehow show the weakest parts of you, what are missing in your life, what you want from the other — what if it’s not something he cannot give? Is it better to just cut off your loses this early in the game? When you are dreadfully honest on your demands, people may see it as a case of either following your requirements or leaving you.
Which one shall he pick?
He writes me today sharing that he’s read my needs and will revert over the weekend. The note was short. It made me a tad fearful. DId I say too much? Did I scare him away? After the big display, what else is there to reveal? What else do you have left?
However, my mind drifts of to those of Mary, one of my best friends. She told me that no matter what he may think about me, the thing is, these are my needs. We do not kick ourselves for demanding what we think we deserve. Instead, we state our case and let leaves fall as they may. We do this because we do not want to live in a lie, in total fear of what the other would think.
Personally, I think honesty is a beautiful thing. Regardless on how he may interpret my words, I may feel a tad regretful of revealing too soon, but I do not regret in reveal what is real. What I need.
“I give so much,” I warned him yesterday in one of our occassional calls. “That’s why it’s important for me to know whether the person deserves it.”‘
Who deserves us, really? I think we are great catches — we have so much to give. Why shall we shower our gifts to any Tom, Dick or Harry who asks? Instead, we remain true to ourselves, and we state what we think we deserve.
If he cannot live up to what you think are reasonable requests, then how would life be with this person in 2 weeks, 6 months, 5 years beyond? If you cannot be truly honest with him, then what makes him so different from any casual acquaintance? If he cannot handle your intensity, why be a fool and get second best? Don’t you think we deserve better than lying to ourselves and settling for someone just there just because we’re lonely?
Love is wonderful when it’s real. No lies. No pretenses. No fear. It captures our innocence and whatever humanity stands for. Isn’t it great that for once, you can stop being polite and actually show what you really want to say? If I, if we, have this… then ours is a love worth fighting for.
Not to say that he passes the test. He has yet to get back to me on his response. Who knows? Today we are in love, and tomorrow, we go our separate ways.
But if this is the cost of honesty, then I will bear the pain. Not given to martyrdom but I cannot feel as if I’m fooling myself just so that I can enjoy being in love. I walk away with dignity knowing that a love where there is fear, where are secrets, is not worth my time and effort. A man who tries to pretend is not worth me.
So we wait.
I pray that he is strong, but also pray that I am stronger. To leave when he fails. To only accept a relationship, a love, that is truly worth my time.