The Weirdest Advice

“You know what’s your problem?” CW tells me, “you inadvertently send out indicators of interest wherever you go…”

You are ultra-friendly to almost every person you met, are affectionate, and wear low-cut clothes that make guys place more emphasis on your boobs than your personality,” he continues. “I think this signals a big problem.”

“So what do you suggest, Einstein?” I asked. “Shall I be a biatch, and wear ugly clothes?”

“Actually, that doesn’t sound like a bad idea,” CW continued. “Yes, wear fugly baggy clothes so that guys won’t really focus on your body, and always want to sleep with you on your first date.”

“WHAT?!” I exclaimed. “Are you telling me to intentionally make myself look ugly so guys will focus more on my personality?”

“Sure, why not?” he suggested. “Every time a guy looks at you, he thinks this girl is sexy. That’s all he thinks about… from his little head of his. Look at JH—last time we had dinner together, you passed by and all he thought was, “Oooh, hot girl” till he saw it was you. You’d like to stop guys from thinking this way.”

“Umm… so you want me to purposely look ugly,” I said aloud.

Like fashion shows, sometimes, the model wear bad looking clothes but it doesn’t matter because the models are beautiful,” CW continued. “You have a pretty face… am sure you can carry it off, and THEN you can get a decent guy.”

“However, aren’t guys visual creatures?” I countered. “If that’s the case, NO ONE would give me the time of day. Are you sure you’d even want me to get married?!”

He laughed. “Well, you always keep on complaining that guys usually want you for your body. If you don’t emphasize your body too much, then maybe they’ll pay closer attention to other sides of you.”

It’s true though,” my friend Karen added as we had dinner this evening at Danshui. “All your clothes are fitting clothes. Even your turtlenecks are form fitting. They emphasize your body. You should wear clothes that aren’t too fit.”

What’s everybody’s problem in criticizing my clothes all of a sudden? However, if everybody’s singing the same tune, then maybe it’s time to listen.

Yeah, the problem with you is that your personality is too bright,” CW continues to criticize. “It overwhelms the guys… makes them think that you are harder to control, and so the decent ones don’t even chase because they think you’re a handful.”

“If you keep quiet more often and choose who you reveal yourself to,” he summarizes, “You maintain the mystery and can attract more decent men.”

So if I get it right, my friends want me to change my wardrobe into something that’s more unsexy (it’s unanimous… my friend decided it’s hard to look nice when you’re wearing super conservative clothing), be boring and tone down the personality.

The things we do to get a decent guy. Instead of encouraging me to be myself, my friends are asking me to be more of a status quo and march to the beat of everybody else.

This is because in Taiwan, I stick out like a sore thumb.

Being Filipino-Chinese, I am fortunate that I have learned the warmth and friendliness of the Spanish race. For example, I have no qualms in greeting friends with a hug (similar to beso-besos back home) and a warm smile. For me, I am glad to see my friends so why hold back ones affections? In addition, I trust people until they prove that they are not worth my trust. It’s always good to start with the right note, in my honest opinion.

However, Taiwan is different.

People are choosier on who they are friendly with. For many women, they completely ignore the guys until they have observed enough and think they are worth their time. ” CW opines. “That’s the spirit,”Be more mysterious. Don’t reveal everything on the get-go and you’ll intrigue the guys.”

Sigh, Chinese can be colder than Southeast Asian races. In the club, Taiwanese women can sometimes be total bitches. However, the downside is that I can’t really be a bitch — all I can be is to be polite.

Your polite equates to friendliness in Taiwan,” CW moans. “Your showing your friends your affections can be equated as indicator of interest. Which is why some people think you are overly friendly.”

Aiya, how can one get the perfect balance? 😦

Personally, I have enough.

To be honest, I think I’m just fine the way I am.

I personally like the clothes I wear and it makes me look good to wear clothes that fit me well. I don’t think I should wear baggy clothes that make me look awkward to find a decent man. Sure, I just need to get rid of the mini skirt and overly-sexy attire, but I shouldn’t throw up my whole wardrobe just because of a few bad experiences.

Second, it’s ironic that I’m being criticized for having a positive personality. My friend CW tells me not to be too happy because some people suspect that it’s fake. I mean, how can one be happy all the time?

It’s weird when others want you to be more negative and depressed. If you are happy, do you not smile and laugh? If you are sad, do you not cry? I wonder why people are asking me to cry because everybody is sad… hearing that makes me a bit sad.

It’s like someone telling me to dumb myself down in purpose to not turn men off. Since when did attracting men equal to changing oneself to accommodate?

If I need to change myself, my personality and my clothes to meet a decent man, would it also change the type of decent man that the new me will attract? If I need to look ugly, be plain and and be boring to find my future mate, then I wonder, what sort of mate would I ultimately attract?

Shouldn’t we celebrate our differences?

Shouldn’t my future mate be happy because his girlfriend looks good?

Wouldn’t my future mate appreciate that his partner is as interesting as he is?

Wouldn’t he want her to be a positive force at work and at play?

Does he not want me to be happy and comfortable in being myself?

If I need to have a wardrobe and personality change to attract a good man, then it makes me wonder if it’s really worth it. It makes me doubt if I’d even like a guy who is uncomfortable in having a good-looking and smart girlfriend with a sunny personality…

So that was the weirdest advice I’ve received this week.

To be honest, I think that CW has a little crush on me, which makes me doubt his objectivity in this matter. Sometimes, I think he is sabotaging my chances of finding true love so that no guy would ever want me, and I’d ultimately choose him who has been supporting me from day 1.

But then again, I think I’m over analyzing this and don’t think that CW is that evil. 🙂

Anyway, we shall see what will happen.

To my friends’ credit, I will listen.

I will avoid wearing my halter tops and mini-skirts going forward. I will be more careful on who I am friendly with. I will be more than a bitch if a guy isn’t giving me the respect I want.

What I’m afraid of is, I may change myself too much that I may no longer recognize the girl that I’m going to become… what’s even worse is what if I don’t even like the girl that I will become? I mean, what’s to like if you’re a negative bitch wearing ugly clothes (though this is an exaggeration?).

But we shall see. Definitely will tone down a bit, but hopefully, won’t overly do it.

Given that, would be happy to know how you feel about my friends’ advice. Do you think it’s important to just be yourself and march in your own beat, or change yourself to accommodate the status quo and make yourself attract the right opposite sex?

I read back on this entry… the structure is a bit messy but hopefully, the meaning gets through. This issue bothers me a bit as a handful of my friends are advising me to be more conservative in clothing and in action. Friends act on our best interest, but is it on my best interest to change?

We’ll see…. getting late so going to bed! Happy week everyone!

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About Bonita

I'm a forgetful person. But I think a lot. Every day, a lot of thoughts enter my head. That's why this blog came to be: first, to keep my memories alive through the years, and two, to actually see how I and my thoughts have changed. Please note that I seldom draft or edit my posts. Sometimes, if I'm not careful, I offend some of you, my readers. And while I apologize for making you feel uncomfortable, I am not sorry for being honest or for making well-intentioned mistakes. I will however be the first to admit if I change my mind. Hence, do read and proceed with caution. My life is as colorful and as boring as you make it. I complain many days, but offer some encouragement in others. Life is fluid, it changes. So keep the positives and throw away the negatives, and I do hope that at the end of the day, you will enjoy reading the blog and leaving comments here and there if my posts touches you. Happy reading!
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9 Responses to The Weirdest Advice

  1. Anonymous says:

    this morning I strolled through our offices and checked out how the appearance of our secretaries
    is working on my mind… and the rest.

    My personal “scan-pattern” is always the same: face, smile and teeth, skin, boobs (if present…) and last but not least … the backside.

    And its true, a beautiful face awakes my interest but a short skirt or tight jeans wipes out my concentration, I can only think about having sex.

    For example the team assistant from the 10th floor, super sexy mini skirt, sitting at her desk, it
    was REALLY hard to focus on her face and NOT stare on her legs. Actually I am thinking, when I will
    have time to see her again …and look her f..ng short skirt.

    Flute

  2. Anonymous says:

    I think ni xiang tai duo… I got sexy friends who don’t have a boyfriend, and not so pretty who doesn’t have one either. I think you shouldn’t force yourself to do something you’re not comfortable with. Do you want any guy or the one that loves you?

  3. Anonymous says:

    Aw Raven, I think i know what you mean.

    Im taiwanese but born and raised in central america, I recently moved to here to study uni.. so I kinda know what you mean…because I am very affectionate, but taiwanese people think i’m too nice, too friendly and proably fake? Well that was in the beginning when i met some people, but now they sure know im not like that.

    One of my friends here, told me some girls were talking about me and what i wear. They think i use what i wear to attract guys. It really hit me because I’m not that type of girl that are so desperated for guys and i definitely dont do that, because those guys would probably like u because of your body … It’s stupid really… and i dont go wearing mini skirts or halter top to classes, i wear to the ocassion.. Okay i do with some low-cut clothes but I dont showing off too much either. I dress what i think i look nice, but it’s just back home we dress so mature and sexy. But because i’m just a student, I try not to wear like that.. Now i’m so conscious of what i do and wear :S …. even sometimes when i wear jeans and tshirt, they still have something to say. I have to say i’m not flat at all, and it’s not my fault that my body is like that.. My friend told me “Stop wearing fitted clothes that shows your boobs and they will stop..”
    Ehhh I’m wearing jeans and tshirt! Comeon people!!!!

    “I dont have a bf” i answer a question from a friend who’s american. He says he understands…

    He says “taiwanese guys love girls who are quiet, no opinions,no brains, who wears a lot of make up
    You are the opposite..
    You are definitely not their type.”

    Hahaha… i laughed, it cant be that serious? I’m only 17, and i dont want to worry about this. I rather wait for the right time and right guy .. I told him
    and he told “You’ll wait forever!”

    =( oh man…now i’m worried haha i’ll be sticking here for some years
    haha
    @@

    I think you are a great person, and a real guy will see that.
    😉
    dont listen to that weird advice but it is true though we have lower sometimes but not too much of a change, dont ever change for other people.
    Just be yourself..
    Best wishes to you~
    Good luck and I hope u find a great guy =)

    ivy

  4. robert415 says:

    Changing yourself (if you like the way you are) to try to attract a mate is a fool’s errand. Don’t you want someone who wants you for the way you really are?

    There may be some cultural attitudes and norms that you need to adapt to (dressing slightly more conservatively, not touching/hugging as much), but if these behaviors are an integral part of your personality, then maybe you just need to find men who don’t have these attitudes.

    I travel to Taiwan/Asia often, and I think being an outsider (I am a US-born Asian) actually helps me in my relationships with local people. Maybe I am given a pass because I don’t live there, but I have no problem acting the way I want (without being rude or culturally insensitive) and having great relationships with business associates and friends.

  5. Anonymous says:

    Be yourself, Raven. Why don’t you try dating some Filipinos.

    eya

  6. J. Xu says:

    …I do my thing, and you do your thing…
    I am not in this world to live up to your expectations…
    … and you are not in this world to live up to mine.
    You are you and I am I…
    … and if by chance we find each other, it’s beautiful ..
    .. if not …, it can’t be helped.

    … how do you think now?, after reading that?? ..
    I think that you are a bit insecure now, due to the things which have happened recently.. that’s why the advices of your friends made you think and… you’ve been wondering (by reflecting to the past) if it’s true with what they are saying and it doesn’t sound to bad, because heck…, the place next to you is still vacant …..
    it’s up to you if you want to listen to them….

    Changing yourself is not a bad thing.
    In life you go through fases… we people must adapt, otherwise we wouldn’t grow and get stuck in our current life-stage/fase.
    In life, you encounter different fases/experiences, which changes you and this makes you the person who you are… right now, at this very moment.
    But by changing yourself so you can attract men… uhm…… o.O

    This can mean two things. Firstly, it’s true with what you say… it looks like you have to change yourself to a different (lower!!) level, so you can find a man who won’t take the first buss to the next town.
    … tjellow!!!, is it me… or….. doesn’t this sound … like …. @*&@#%^&# .. (in other words .. what the FUCK!!) !!!
    Secondly… let’s say, you do these ‘minor’ changes… -> these ‘little’ adjustments can have 4 outcomes.
    a) you’re fine with the adjustments and you’ll find a man
    b) you’re not fine with the adjustments, but you do it anyway and ….. you’ll find a man
    c) you’re not fine with the adjustments and you don’t find a man and you’re wondering what the hell is wrong?!
    d) you’re fine with the adjustment and… you DON’T find a man

    Some notes to accompany above:

    a) only when you are fine with the things that you do, you’ll stick to it and give your best at it… this will show and if by this you’ll find a man, so be it…, but don’t forget!! You are the one who has got to make the decision…. till now, it seems like that your friends are trying to make the decisions for you…, because you still sound insecure. Ok, everybody will be insecure if they have to change something of themselves, but I’m noticing a different kind of insecurity here… Yes, real friends act in your best interest….. but they aren’t always right, just keep that in mind.. I’m not always right to, you know…. -.-“

    b) it looks like that you’re in this position at the moment… you think, what the heck, I’ll have nothing to lose anyway so I’ll give it a go.
    The question which arises here… can you live with yourself by not being true to yourself? Can you hold yourself back in a moment when you want to say something or do something which the new you wouldn’t do?? Or… will you be at ease with you adjustment (see a and d)

    c) you made the adjustment and there is still no man… -.-“ was it worth it?, by being somebody else? By doing so, as I’ve mentioned in my other posts… you’ll send messages to your surroundings… and a few of them, you won’t be aware of. I know that you are a woman who’s very aware of herself and the way your surroundings reacts on you, but sometimes… you are sending signals out which you are unaware off, for example your clothes -> you wear fitting clothes, but you are also conservative… what is the problem with this combo?? NOTHING GIRL!!! (although it seems like everyone else in your surroundings thinks differently)
    Why would you be easy when you wear these clothes? It’s because that’s the mis perception that people nowadays have: Fitting clothes equals easy… O.o ….. wtf?!
    But you shouldn’t forget that these assumptions are there for a reason… this is the same as with why bad guys in a movie have certain physical features (for example thin lips, narrow eyes etc.) and the good guys have other features.
    People in life need presumptions/prejudice to survive, otherwise we would just trust anyone and believe me… then there would be more heartbreaks in the world!
    This is just the hard reality that we live in! We get judged by our looks! but luckily… also by our energy that we send out to our environment. For example… you can be as ugly as h*ll, but you are one of the biggest teddy bear in the world and people who are sensible to this kind of energy or who are down to earth (2% of the world population -> why else are there so few people who are rich or really wise/smart… and believe me, Paris Hilton ain’t that rich because she is from a good family. I’m sure that her IQ is higher then most people, but she just acts plain dumb… that’s also a way of being smart.. I know, sounds odd, but it’s true).
    … ok sorry, I’m losing track here….. :P, the point that I’m trying to make is, by not being yourself, you can become unhappy and although you are trying to hide it… it just shows!!! No matter what!!
    So, who wants to be near a grumpy person who is fake happy all the time…? .. nobody

    d) I think I don’t need to add something to this one… you’ll be scratching your head I think ;).

    The tricky part of this all, with all these A, B and whatever… you can’t foresee the future… we will never know what lay ahead of us… what will happen or become of us.
    If we do A, then B will happen…. life doesn’t works like that…… it is most likely that suddenly X and K pops up .. G comes and goes… and whoops .. B also poppin up and suddenly you realize… B wasn’t all that great as you thought it would be, but it’s there….. you can have hold of it and… you don’t even want it anymore!
    Well heck, when it works like A and B then…. everybody would be happy right now, right?? But nobody is and……. that would also take the fun out of life, I would say .. although it can be tiring sometimes
    -> for example: you met a really nice guy and he doesn’t invites you up and you get confused, because… you had a great time. But heck, normally you would be like, if a boy invites me up on the first date … o.O …… he’s a no-go, but…. when the guy with who you hit it off, doesn’t do that… you’ll get disappointed…. hihih, yes we really are weird…., but this is normal, for every person you’ll have different expectations that you wish he/she would live up to, but unfortunately (and luckily!!) …. they can’t read our minds)

    —-

    Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards…

    So it is good of you to reflect on what has happened in the past, so you can try to understand your current situation and live the future as best as you can, with the knowledge you have gathered throughout the years.

    Qoute: *Do you think it’s important to just be yourself and march in your own beat, or change yourself to accommodate the status quo and make yourself attract the right opposite sex? *

    Isn’t this a bit contradicting?? You change yourself by attracting THE RIGHT??? opposite sex… hmmm…… so by not being yourself you’ll attract a certain guy and… this guy will only know the new you and not the other you .. .. so, if you let down your guard, will he not run away, because you let the real you shine??? .. so he’ll be shocked that you are a different person suddenly… although you’ve been a different person all the time when you where with him. So does this makes him the right guy? .. me doubting it…
    So yes, you’re right that YOU WILL ATTRACT THE RIGHT OPPOSITE SEX… right for the NEW you!! But are you.. yes you!!, are you at ease with the new you?

    Sorry, I hope that you can make any sense out of what I’m trying to say -.-“

    …. so it all comes down to one thing in my opinion…… when you do something…… do it with 100%!! BE YOURSELF!!!

    Pokémon has learned me a good lesson… o.O yes he!!! for crying out loud … ow gosh ….. he really is a great guy -.-” .. but heck… I’m a greater girl 😛 (sorry, need to boost my ego here) when I was going out with friends and I was making myself… hih, nice… he was asking all kinds of questions and I told him that I didn’t know what to wear because I wanted to impress somebody… he just simply said…. JUST BE YOURSELF …
    n_n .. Thnx Pokémon!!

    I know… it is easier said then done.. in life… you try to be as good as you can be in the situations that you encounter.. we give and we take… sometimes it works out fine and sometimes it just doesn’t…
    .. everybody is different for a reason … everybody is unique and beautiful in their own way (although we don’t see that)…… be happy with who you are.
    You will change in time, due to the things that you’ll encounter/experience… but changing in a way so people will accept you.. so, in other words, dancing in their tune??… hmmm….. you have to make the decision yourself, but I think that you’ll know how I think about this.

    …. [after few minutes] …………

    Sorry, I really can’t stop myself but heck!!!, let the people dance in YOUR tune!! Let them see you shakin’ that pretty *ss of yours on the dancefloor… show your sexy legs in your mini-skirts and let your boobies shine in your halter tops …
    .. HIHHIIIH, sorry…. :D, I really need to have this off my chest ;).. well heck, you’ve got your body for a reason and if you are comfortable with it .. WORK IT GIRL!!!
    .. and although I don’t know how you look like… I’ve got a quite good imagination and I’ve seen your lips in your past blogs so…. I’m doing the puzzle here and in my puzzle … you lookin’ darn fine in my opinion….. :DDDDD

    … woohooo!!! ……. pretty woman, walkin’ down the street, pretty woman (it’s a song)

    :D…

    … I found 2 poems from mother Theresa, which I would like to share with you….

    ===

    Life is a possibility, embrace it.
    Life is beautiful, admire it.
    Life is wonderful, enjoy it.
    Life is a dream, follow it.
    Life is a bewilderment, face it.
    Life is a mission, fulfill it.
    Life is a game, play it.
    Life is a treasure, cherish it.
    Life is rich, savior it.
    Life is lovely, revere it.
    Life is a mystery, uncover it.
    Life is pain, endure it.
    Life is a song, sing it.
    Life is a tragedy, forbear it.
    Life is luck, benefit from it.
    Life is an adventure, be regardful of it.
    Life is very precious, delight in it.
    Life is a war, learn from it.
    Life is life, fight for it.

    ===

    People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;
    Forgive them anyway.
    If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
    Be kind anyway.
    If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
    Succeed anyway.
    If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
    Be honest and frank anyway.
    What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
    Build anyway.
    If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
    Be happy anyway.
    The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
    Do good anyway.
    Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
    Give the world the best you’ve got anyway.
    YOU SEE, IN THE FINAL ANALYSIS, IT IS BETWEEN YOU AD YOUR GOD;
    IT WAS NEVER BETWEEN YOU AND THEM ANYWAY

    As I’ve said before… just be yourself, that’s the best you can do in life and….. you are wonderful as you are!

    With love,

    J.

  7. raven says:

    Flute, thank you for that super graphic description of the 10F hot assistant. Reading it sends chills down my spine and am already getting ready to start buying granny’s clothes. 🙂

    Anonymous, it’s true that we want the guys who love us for who we are. But as my friend chided me when I shared to him about CW’s advise, he said, “Well, truthfully, if you looked ugly, NOBODY will notice you.” If you’ve read the Game, if Style didn’t update his look, do you think he’ll ever find his true love? Think she’ll give him the time or day? Harsh, but true…

    Ivy, glad to know that there is somebody else living in Taiwan who share the same boat as I am. The good thing is, you’re 17 so you’re still very young. And hopefully, you won’t be in Taiwan for far too long. The best time to get a guy me thinks is at school. Life and love are more innocent then. Dress what makes you look good, and when you look good, you feel good. And confidence is very sexy. Keep it up!

    Eya, why not date Pinoys? Because I’m in Taiwan, and single cute Filipinos are in under supply… 😦

  8. raven says:

    Robert, I agree. But what’s different is you’re still on the outside looking in, while I’m living in the inside. People used to forgive me easily when I was fresh off the boat, but now that I’ve been here a few years, they come less in between. However, am sure that living in TW makes me readier for the future when am no longer living here. 🙂

    J. Xu, yes you’re right. You sorta doubt your worth when you don’t have a mate. You think, “If everybody thinks I’m great, then why am I still single?”

    Thank you as always for your comprehensive analysis. For one, I honestly think CW has a little crush on me and is secretly sabotaging my chances with guys so he can have me all for himself. Second, I do agree that stereotypes exist for a reason. If a woman wears fitting clothes, chances are, she’s easy. But life has taught me to be more open minded and know that this isn’t the case most of the time. My mistake is in assuming that others are as open-minded as I am. Not true. People often judge a book by its cover. No worries, the trick is just to find similar minded people and revere in their presence, instead of worrying about others who judge you regardless on what you wear or look.

    So in summary, what you say is true. Listen to other people but still stay true to yourself. That way, you are happier, and happy people are more confident and sexier. Thanks for the timely lesson! And hope that you too would find somebody who loves you for who you are, inside and out. 🙂

    Just to add J. Xu, LOVE this poem. Thanks for sharing this to all of us!

    People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;
    Forgive them anyway.
    If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
    Be kind anyway.
    If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
    Succeed anyway.
    If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
    Be honest and frank anyway.
    What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
    Build anyway.
    If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
    Be happy anyway.
    The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
    Do good anyway.
    Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
    Give the world the best you’ve got anyway.
    YOU SEE, IN THE FINAL ANALYSIS, IT IS BETWEEN YOU AD YOUR GOD;
    IT WAS NEVER BETWEEN YOU AND THEM ANYWAY

    Raven.

  9. J. Xu says:

    (^_^) .. I hope that you have realised, although we don’t ‘really’ know eachother … you have found a way into my heart and till now -> nobody else has achieved that, besides my mother 😛 .. and no, Pokemon hasn’t been in my heart (sounds weird, huh? .. I know, but yes… he’s not occupying a spot there)

    you may be wondering… what about my friends? .. let’s put it like this… till now, I haven’t met a person with whom I really hit it off -> I think that I’m fishing in the wrong pool -.-” .. … but that’s ok; I’ve learned to cope with that.

    so, hi Raven … really nice to meet you (^-^)!! I am the one who has to say thank you… thank you that I FINALLY met a sane person, in this insane world 😛

    it’s weird huh? I can’t remember how I found your blog… all I can remember -> it was one of those evenings where I couldn’t sleep; thinking too much….. went on the net .. and tadaaa .. Raven!!!

    so thank you for blogging!!

    with love,

    J.

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