What am I doing?!

Complete details undisclosed but gotta get this off my chest. So here’s me ranting to myself…

I’ve gotta stop overthinking too much because it’s not going to bring my love life anywhere! At first, you are hesitant given all the unconscious conservative training your parents and being brought up in a Christian environment gave you… then you change your mind half-way and give in, but kinda.

Sure, no risk no worries, but seriously Raven, when are you going to start grabbing the bull by the horns and just do something fun! Let go… you’re too uptight!

When your horoscopes say to stop the push-pull and just grab a golden opportunity, then by god, just do it!!! You don’t walk away and say, “Wait, I wanna come back” later.

Such a loser… seriously, you can’t be this way!

As it turns out, the guy was surprisingly decent and now, you’re kicking yourself for doing nothing. Hahahaha, cute too! It is quite rare to have another “M” in your life, and an attractive one at that!

Nevertheless, past is past. Just move on and leave the past behind. There’s no reason to cry over split milk. Sure, this is probably the last time you’ll ever be given the golden opportunity, but then again… it’s okay la. There should be more fishes in the sea, and similarly decent ones at that.

There’s just something about guys asking me to go home with them just to talk that puts me on defensive mode. I just can’t relax! All the time, you’re thinking, “This guy wants to do something,” and most likely they do!

So you’re like a small lamb in a lion’s den — waiting to escape and yet staying behind because you want to be spontaneous and you want to see how it plays out. But having this sort of stance does anyone no good at all.

You can’t half-ass life, you know that. Every single time you’ve grabbed the moment and actually did something, you never really regret. Those chances you missed, you did. Well, ain’t it enough time to finally just say screw this and just relax!

Oh well, he’s not going to call anyway me thinks. Hahahahaha I have a tendency to leave guys with blue balls. When can’t I ever get rid of this habit?

One look and they don’t believe that you’re conservative to the truest sense. In exchange, you show off your polite mean side. Sigh.

Next time… just do it. Okay, with the exception of the French friend. He’s got issues and he’s on a rebound. But with some other guy, just relax la…

C’est la vie!

*Sorry for the ramblings. I promise to come up with better flowing entries next time when I’m not so frustrated at myself… :0(

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About Bonita

I'm a forgetful person. But I think a lot. Every day, a lot of thoughts enter my head. That's why this blog came to be: first, to keep my memories alive through the years, and two, to actually see how I and my thoughts have changed. Please note that I seldom draft or edit my posts. Sometimes, if I'm not careful, I offend some of you, my readers. And while I apologize for making you feel uncomfortable, I am not sorry for being honest or for making well-intentioned mistakes. I will however be the first to admit if I change my mind. Hence, do read and proceed with caution. My life is as colorful and as boring as you make it. I complain many days, but offer some encouragement in others. Life is fluid, it changes. So keep the positives and throw away the negatives, and I do hope that at the end of the day, you will enjoy reading the blog and leaving comments here and there if my posts touches you. Happy reading!
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2 Responses to What am I doing?!

  1. J. Xu says:

    This is a story I would like to share with you. It is in a book that I have and… me lovin’ it! Enjoy (^-^)

    *I apologize beforehand for this long post … O.o …. 😛

    How to find true love
    Anonymous

    I began to learn about love in dancing school, at age 12. I remember thinking on the first day I was going to fall madly in love with one of the boys and spend the next years of my life kissing and waltzing.
    During class, however, I sat among the girls, waiting for a boy to ask me to dance. To my complete shock, I was consistently one of the last to be asked. At first I thought the boys had made a terrible mistake. I was so funny and pretty, and I could beat everyone I knew at tennis and climb trees faster than a cat. Why didn´t they dash toward me?
    Yet class after class. I watched boys dressed in blue blazers and gray pants head toward girls in flowered shifts whose perfect ponytails swung back and forth like metronomes. The fell easily into step with one another in a way that was completely mysterious to me. I came to believe that love belonged only to those who glided, who never shimmied up trees or even really touched the ground.
    By the time I was 13, I knew how to subtly tilt my head and make my tears fall back into my eyes, instead of down my cheeks, when no one asked me to dance. I also discovered the “powder room”, which became my siftly lit, reliable retreat. Whenever I started to cry, I’d excuse myself and run in there.
    I finally stopped crying when I met Matt, who was quiet and hung out on the edges of the room. When we danced for the first time, he wouldn’t even look me in the eyes. But he was cute, and he told great stories. We became good buddies, dancing every dance together until the end of school. I learned from him my most important early lesson about romance that the potential for love exists in corners, in the most unlikely as well as the most obvious places.
    For years my love life continued to be one long tragicomic novel. In college I fell in love with a tall English major who rode a motorcycle. He stood me up on our sixth date-an afternoon of sky diving. I jumped out of the plane alone and landed in a parking lot.
    In my mid-20s I moved to New York City where love is as hard to find as a legal parking spot. My first Valentine’s Day there, I went on a date to a crowded bar on the Upper West Side. Halfway through dinner, my date excused himself and never returned.
    At the time, I lived with a beautiful roommate. Flowers piled up at our door like snowdrifts, and the light on the answering machine always blinked in a panicky way, overloaded with messages from her admirers. Limousines purred outside, with dates waiting for her behind tinted windows.
    In my mind, love was something behind a tinted window, part apparition, part shadow, definitely unreachable. Whenever I spotted happy-looking couples, I’d wonder where they found love, and want to follow them home for the answer.
    After a few years in the city I got my dream job-writing about weddings for a magazine called 7 Days. I had to find interesting engaged couples and write up their love stories. I got to ask total strangers the things I ‘d always wanted to know.
    I found at least one sure answer to the question “How do you know it’s love?” You know when the everyday things surrounding you-the leaves, the shade of lighting the sky, a bowl of strawberries-suddenly shimmer with a kind of unreality.
    You know when the tiny details about another person, ones that are insignificant to most people, seem fascinating and incredible to you. One groom told me he loved everything about his future wife, from her handwriting to the way she scratched on their apartment, door like a cat when she came home. One bride said she fell in love with her fiance because “one night, a moth was flying around alight bulb, and he caught it and let it out the window. I said, ‘That’s it. He’s the guy.’”
    You also know it’s love when you can’t stop talking to each other. Almost every couple I’ve ever interviewed said that on their first or second date, they talked for hours and hours. For some, falling in love is like walking into a soundproof confessional booth, a place where you can tell all.

    {This I don’t really believe, because, if there’s a connection… only the company of the other person is enough… knowing that he is there, no matter what. This is something which makes a couple at ease. Ok, it’s true that the boundaries has gone up in the air, but I’m sure that couples.. no matter how in love they are, they have secrets from each other}

    Finding love can be like discovering a gilded ballroom on the other side of your apartment, and at the same time like finding a pair of great old blue jeans that are exactly your size and seem as if you’ve worn them forever. I can’t tell you how many women have told me they knew they were in love because they forgot to wear makeup around their boyfriend. Or because they fell at ease hanging around him in flannel pajamas. There’s some modern truth to Cinderella’s tale-it’s love when you’ve incredibly comfortable, then the shoe fits perfectly.

    {So true, so true… because when you’re at ease, when a person is at ease, it just shows! In the things that you do, the way you think etc. You’re more open and people will notice that!}

    Finally, I think you’re in love if you can make each other laugh at the very worst times-when the IRS is auditing you or when you’re driving a convertible in a rainstorm or when your hair is turning gray. As someone once told me, 90 percent of being in love is making each other’s lives funnier and easeir, all the way to the deathbed

    {Hell yeah!! Being together is enduring life together!!! Aja aja!!! Fighting!!!!! … o.O ….. yes, I confess, I’m watch korean dramas -.-” and me liky liky :D}

    Seven years ago I stared writing about love and weddings for the New York Times in a column called “Vows”. And now that I have been on this bea for so long, a strange thing has happened, I’m considered an expert on love. The truth is, love is still mostly a mystery to me. The only thing I can confidently say is this: Love is as plentiful as oxygen. You don’t have to be thin, naturally blond, super-successful, socially connected, knowledgeable about politics or even particularly charming to find it.

    {This reminds me of an old saying: If a student is ready… the teacher will appear.}

    I’ve interviewed many people who were down on their luck in every way-a ballerina with chronic back problems, a physicist who had 112 (he counted) disastrous blind dates, a clarinet player who was a single dad and could barely pay the rent. But love, when they found it, brought humor, candlelight, home-cooked meals, fun, adventure, poetry and long conversations into their lives.

    {Now comes the most important part of this whole story…. the climax!!!}

    ***When people ask me where to find love, I tell a story about one of my first job interviews. It was with an editor at a famous literary magazine. I had no experience or skills, and he didn’t for one second consider hiring me. Bu he gave me some advice I will never forget. He said, “Go out into the world. Work hard and concentrate on what you love to do, writing. If you become good, we will find you.”
    That’s why I always tell people looking for love to wait for that “I won the lottery”feeling-wait wait wait!!! Don’t read articles about how to trap, seduce or hypnotize a mate. Don’t worry about your lipstick or your height, because it’s not going to matter. Just live your life well, take care of yourself, and don’t hope too much. Love will find you.***
    Eventually it even found me. At 28, I met my husband. At a stationery store, I was buying a typewriter ribbon, and he was looking at Filofaxes. I remember that his eyes perfectly matched his faded jeans. He remembers that my sneakers were full of sand. He still talks about those sneakers and how they evoked his childhood-bonfires by the ocean, driving on the sand in an old Jeep-all those things that he cherished.
    How did I know that it was true love? Our first real date lasted for nine hours, we just couldn’t stop talking. I had never been able to dance in my life, but I could dance with him, perfectly in step. I have learned that it’s love when you finally stop tripping over your toes.
    A year after we met, we married.
    I have come to cherish writing the “Vows” column. With each story I hear, I have proof that love, optimism, guts, grace, perfect partners and good luck do, in fact, exist.
    Love, in my opinion, is not a fantasy, not the stuff of romance novels or fairy tales. It’s as gritty and real as the subway, it comes around just as regularly, and as long you can stick it out on the platform, you won’t miss it.

    {So dûh!!, if you have the feeling of playing the wishy-washy game or push and pull, then * bye bye the guy -> he’s a no-go, why would you otherwise be like that? Changing yourself, so you can get together? You have to be yourself!}

    Raven, the things that you’ve done till now.. they are just preparing you for the real deal. Remember the saying: When a student is ready, then the teacher will appear. Which I mentioned before? The things that you’ve done in certain situations, you’ve done it with reasons… reasons which you thought of was right (and protecting of yourself) at that moment and you shouldn’t regret them, because I’m sure that, if you’re in the same situation again, not knowing what will come out of it… you would have done the same.. well heck, I would have done the same -> because at that time/moment, we didn’t know better. At that moment, we just simply thought that was the right thing to do.
    This just makes you who you are! And you are… beautifull! (^-^)
    I’ve talked with a few people about love and I have asked them… “How did you knew that he/she was the one?” and every time, I got a simple answer… “you just do” and a smile appears on their face.. smiling in themselves and looking away… becoming very shy. How sweet is that?

    I have noticed that a lot of things.. well, (almost) everything in life is simple… till our feelings get in play.. and we want to play a game, so we can bind that person to us….. but then it just goes downwards from there… because….. we can’t bind that person if he doesn’t want it! He’ll come, no matter what, if he wants you! He’ll try, and try, and try…

    But if it’s one sided… leaving us aching, because heck, how can you have something when it is always trying to run away? If the feeling ain’t there, everything will be over…

    So I would say, just listen to your gut feeling and go with the flow.. if the student is ready…, the teacher will appear!

    With love,

    J.

  2. raven says:

    Dear J, that was very beautiful and a perfect encouragement to what I’ve been feeling right now. Thank you for sharing. I would also like to share it with others by posting what you wrote on future entries so that they too can gather some encouragement in a place where decent dateable men are a scarcity.

    Thank you very much. You are such a dear!

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