Doubts.

Mike’s coming is met with suspicion and a sense of uncertainty.

Basically, according to readers Peter and Jane, he’s here for a booty call. And from my side, it seems so coincidental that he’s visiting Taiwan just to see his guy friend after now based in Hawaii.

You’re too jaded, Raven,” my girlfriend LY chided. “You’ve been f*cked up by so many *ssholes that you think all guys are all jerks. That’s why, now that you’ve met a guy who’s treated you like a princess and you’re scared — because he may very well turn out like any other *ssholes you’ve bumped into before.”

It surprised me to hear her say that. LY’s one of the most practical people I know. If anybody would agree with my suspicion and trepidation, it should be her.

Look LY, I have tons of guy friends,” I countered. “I love them to death, don’t get me wrong. But I won’t date them. I hear their stories and see how they treat their girlfriends, and I feel bad for those poor girls.

Take for example my guy friend MS,” I continued. “From the beginning of his relationship, he knew it was already doomed, that it wouldn’t last. But he still continued it just because he liked the companionship.

You’ve lost your romanticism,” she pointed out. “Some girls may think that it’s romantic if ever a guy flies across the Pacific to see her. I mean, even your girl-friend wishes her long-distance Moroccan boyfriend would fly all the way to Taiwan just to prove his love and care for her — and he has yet to do it.”

“It scares me, L” I admitted. “Imagine a guy who has put you in a pedestal… what if I can’t live up to that expectations? Imagine someone whom after seeing you a couple of times have this perfect image of you. You’d feel tons of pressure, right?”

She laughed. “You have nothing to lose. If there’s still that chemistry, great. If not, you can still walk away and you’re no better than where you were before.”

Have I become so jaded that I think that most guys just want to get into women’s pants? And can you blame me of thinking that way if most guys I’ve met have proven this theory?

But then again, he can’t make me do what I don’t want to do. And I can always walk away — so what is there to lose?

Come on!” L argued. “He came here to see his friend, not you.”

I smiled. “For some reason, I had the inkling that I was a big part of his decision to come.”

“Don’t really think so,” she countered. “Most likely, he wants to see his guy friend, and you were just the tipping point on him saying, ‘Sure, why not?’ Flights are also not as expensive. I’d say, just go with the flow and stop thinking too much.”

She’s right — thinking too much has always gotten me into trouble. I would hesitate too much, break some guy’s ego and turn their attraction to complete dislike.

That’s what happened to my first ex and Aussie guy. Stomped their ego into itsy-bitsy pieces, and they have yet to forgive and forget about it.

You know what else I fear?” I said. “That he’s here to take revenge. I think I hurt him before, and most likely, guys hurt you back a thousand times over.”

“Sheeeesh,” L sighed. “You think too much!”

Whatever.

I still know that regardless on my doubts, I’d still meet him. Part of it is curiosity — how is he now anyway? How has he changed? Is the chemistry still there? And yeah, I’ve thought about what is it like to kiss him again…

Talking about kisses, L pondered and said, “Maybe the reason why you think he’s such a great kisser is because he liked you a lot. When a player kisses, he thinks about his performance and techinique. That’s why they’re usually so-so kissers. But if a guy kisses you, he kisses you with heart, with your pleasure in mind. That’s why, they make good kissers.”

I furrowed my brows. Honestly, I haven’t really thought about it in that way. Actually, shouldn’t it be the other way around? Guys get better because they have more “training?”

Anyway, it’s really no use to think too much as I know I’d see him sooner or later anyway. He’s kinda hooked me unfortunately.

And whether or not he wants me as a booty call or not is a different story.

Maybe I’ve turned into a realist. Too much so, but most likely, it’s from self-protection.

The ironic thing is, despite being too careful, I’ve still been hurt. My last ex looked pretty good in paper, but he was still a jerk in the end. He was Chinese, smart, had a good job, the works — but he was still unable to give me what makes a relationship worked.

Mike however, USED TO treat me as a princess, as a jewel to protect. Now, experience teaches me that most guys treat girls that way until you smack their ego and they start hating you. 😦

Michan made me pay so much; Aussie guy hasn’t let me forget it.

How to break away from this cycle?

I guess, the only thing left is to trust.

Trust that Mike is different. Trust the process. If it works, good. If not, life was still cheery before meeting him.

Trust that life always works out.

I don’t really have a choice but to trust.

And cross my fingers that he’s not really an *sshole like the others.

We’ll see then.

Let me reply to his email now and set a date.

Lord, help me. 😦

Advertisements

About Bonita

I'm a forgetful person. But I think a lot. Every day, a lot of thoughts enter my head. That's why this blog came to be: first, to keep my memories alive through the years, and two, to actually see how I and my thoughts have changed. Please note that I seldom draft or edit my posts. Sometimes, if I'm not careful, I offend some of you, my readers. And while I apologize for making you feel uncomfortable, I am not sorry for being honest or for making well-intentioned mistakes. I will however be the first to admit if I change my mind. Hence, do read and proceed with caution. My life is as colorful and as boring as you make it. I complain many days, but offer some encouragement in others. Life is fluid, it changes. So keep the positives and throw away the negatives, and I do hope that at the end of the day, you will enjoy reading the blog and leaving comments here and there if my posts touches you. Happy reading!
This entry was posted in Reflections, Relationships, Things I Ponder About. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Doubts.

  1. Peter says:

    Hey, dont put others words in my mouth. We guys might have some intrested in whats been suggested, but not all of us. What a sad word it would be if everyone whas alike. No, just have fun, play the game but know what ur doing.
    Cheers

  2. raven says:

    Hahaha, no worries! Am just mirroring what I already feel so you’re not really responsible for that. Understood and thanks for the warning. I will do exactly that. Really appreciate it, Peter.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s