Loss & Enrichment

There was this guy who told me, “I like you but I want out of here soon. Leaving my last girl in Hong Kong still hurts and I don’t want that again.”

Understood. What’s weird about it though that I haven’t shown that much interest to this guy. All of a sudden, he just blurted this out.

And I’m like, “Ooooookay….”

Regardless, it made me think of the past.

I remembered the time when I first arrived in Taiwan. I knew this dashing Japanese man liked me, but I just couldn’t take that leap because I knew I was leaving soon and I was afraid of getting hurt. So when he offered me his heart, I gave him those biting words, “I like you, but I don’t like you enough.

Which meant, I didn’t like you enough to stay… I didn’t like you enough to risk getting hurt… I didn’t like you enough to suffer my parents’ disapproval by pursuing a relationship with you.

Like me, he also understood, and disappeared from my life in two weeks.

Some people say, you fall in love with people when you see them smile or they make you feel good. I myself believe that people fall in love in between the S P A C E S created when we don’t see them.

I truly, madly and deeply fell in love with him during these two weeks, and that’s the start of another story.

There’s two things I’d like to share with you guys today:

First, when you truly love someone, all rational things flow out the window. Even though I knew he wasn’t so right for me, we still pursued it with no holds barred. And even though we broke up, I have no regrets whatsoever. I do however, am slightly ashamed that I have let go of some of the pride and I would not do that ever again. Believe me, I’ve taken some crap that may sound hilarious right now, but wasn’t at that time.

But that’s another story.

The second more notable point that I’d like to share is that, you’d never know and heck, some things are worth risking for. 🙂

I intended to stay in Taiwan for merely a year. Hence, I’ve hesitated to do a lot of things, because it would hurt more when I leave.

It’s way harder to say goodbye to things you really care about, so you protect your heart by not even giving you a chance.

However, life’s funny. I’ve been here over three years and counting… ironically, it was he who left and went back to Japan.

Sometimes, you can’t really see the surprises life throws at you, or where you’ll go.

What’s more, in the time I took that leap, I had no regrets whatsoever. Yes, I knew it may not last and yes, I knew it would be difficult, but I held my heart in my hand and took that jump.

As one famous Ateneo priest/professor (whose name I ironically forgot) had said, “Lundagin mo, beybe!” (Make that jump, baby!).

People come and go and there are never any guarantees. Sometimes, we move away because of a better job opportunity, family affairs or whatever. People may or may not leave.

But to take that step with a heart filled with hope, to grab hold of an opportunity with both hands, even without knowing where it’ll go or how long it’ll last…

Somtimes, there’s beauty in that.

These are the things that when we’re old and frail, with graying (or balding) heads, can look back with misty eyes and say, “I’m glad I did that when I was given a chance. It made life all the more colorful, and worth living.”

It’s scary, I know.

Scared because for a moment in time, you make yourself vulnerable to someone else. You risk getting hurt, and you know there’s a very big chance that you will. And what’s worse, it seems to come with a deadline.

But from my own personal experience, deadlines sometimes get extended. Certain plans get changed, or you can always adjust that plan. There’s no end-all-be-all formula that you’ve just gotta follow, and sometimes, when you change your plans, you realize, your happier for doing so.

Take for me, Taiwan was never part of my “ultimate” plan in life, but I’m just having a ball! 😀

But going back to the topic, I’m glad I risked it because despite those nights where tears would fall because of hurt and frustration, at least, I went through it with open arms. I know that as years pass, I’ll never ask myself that frustrating question, “What if I took that leap? What if…?”

Because I know the answer.

I took that jump.

And I played it out till the very end.

Furthermore, for that very short time (okay, it wasn’t that short… the whole saga lasted more than a year), I’ve experienced laughter that cannot really be duplicated, have memories that cannot really be forgotten and lessons that cannot be ignored.

Sure, there were sad times and tons of frustrating times as well… but now, I merely remember the good times, because that’s what people do.

Most importantly, my life has been enriched by that experience.

And I’m never going to be that same person as I was before…

And I guess, this is what we call, growing up.

===============================================

I’m feeling a lot more content, at peace within myself.

I’ve realized that so long as I follow this simple formula — do things I love with people I like — I’m at ease with myself.

Last night, I did just that.

First, there was having dinner with a friend, followed by a round of sucky and frustrating golfing in the driving range (I need a golf teacher!!!), dropping by the Canadian-Chinese Social Hour at Mojo (where I got this juicy bit of gossip) and then, the highlight of the night — walking in the lovely streets of Taipei with a drink in hand and just walking and talking.

God, I’ve missed that.

I used to do it a lot more often…

No, not the busyness… I’m talking about deep, late-night conversation with good pals along the streets of Taipei… funny that I’ve never really stopped and do that recently. I guess, not a lot people adore walking and talking as much as I do.

And what’s best, nothing was planned! It was just one of those, “Hey, you wanna do this?” kind of things. 🙂

My friend was like, “Holy cow, it’s already this late?”

Time flies when you’re having fun!

Yup, Raven’s getting her groove back! And am pretty sure you’ll hear sunnier reports in the coming weeks! Summer’s coming too, so it’s almost time to take out that itsy-bitsy-teeny-weeny bikini!

Anyway, thank God it’s Friday!

Weekend update, it’s going to be FUN as we’re holding our paintball war tomorrow (Gosh, hope it doesn’t rain) and maybe dinner/movies afterwards, followed by some drinks (drinks a last-minute invite so let’s see if I can even make it). And on Sunday, another party and maybe some wallclimbing action.

Heck, I don’t even want to find out! Let’s just see how it goes!

C’est la vie!

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About Bonita

I'm a forgetful person. But I think a lot. Every day, a lot of thoughts enter my head. That's why this blog came to be: first, to keep my memories alive through the years, and two, to actually see how I and my thoughts have changed. Please note that I seldom draft or edit my posts. Sometimes, if I'm not careful, I offend some of you, my readers. And while I apologize for making you feel uncomfortable, I am not sorry for being honest or for making well-intentioned mistakes. I will however be the first to admit if I change my mind. Hence, do read and proceed with caution. My life is as colorful and as boring as you make it. I complain many days, but offer some encouragement in others. Life is fluid, it changes. So keep the positives and throw away the negatives, and I do hope that at the end of the day, you will enjoy reading the blog and leaving comments here and there if my posts touches you. Happy reading!
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6 Responses to Loss & Enrichment

  1. lokita says:

    yikes. u are so right when u said love comes with deadlines. when i start liking a guy, i always dread those deadlines. but usually i take the jump and like him anyway. sometimes i think some ppl are luckier in love than others

  2. raven says:

    Thanks for leaving a note, Lokita. Yes, I myself take that leap! 🙂

  3. rEeYuH says:

    felt good reading this entry. that in spite of the hurt and pain, fearing the uncertain, you still took the plunge. one song goes…’dont wanna be a fool wondering what might have been…’

  4. jade says:

    It was Padre Roque Ferriols, S.J. who is famous for that line. =) Lundagin Mo Beybe!

  5. j_e_s says:

    hahaha “Lundagin mo Beybe” a lot of the philo teachers at ADMU use that now!!!
    lol.i miss having those kinds of weekends! guess i kinda took those nights for granted. i used to go out til 2/ 3a.m every friday and saturday nights with a group of friends until everything suddenly stopped..aftwr that, only me and a guy (i think i kinda liked) continued going out.. but guess i was too shy and i was too cautious. i can’t like him cuz he’s my friends ex.. and now i THINK i’m missing him.. we haven’t been talking for almost 3 weeks now… =( but come to think of it if i just let everything be we could’ve enjoyed our night outs more

  6. raven says:

    Jade, ah yes, Father Ferriols!!! I still regret not taking his class just cause it was in Filipino. Heard he was a stellar teacher.

    Reeyuh, hope you can take that plunge yourself! 🙂

    Jes, sometimes you can’t control how you feel… maybe he’s not good for your friend, but perfect for you. You’ll never know till you try!

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