What do I want?

Nothing beats the blues by spending time with your best friends…

They’re those who are always looking after for your best interest and tells you as it is, even if the truth hurts. And, when you start feeling bad or cry, they’re always there to give you a big ready hug, and tell you the ultimate truth: that everything will be fine and they’ll always be there for you.

It’s great that even in the midst of chaos, you have good friends you know you can lean on. At least, you know they’re there.

Guess in that way, I’m extremely lucky.

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You have to treat yourself better,” says Karen. “You are always too nice to your men that they walk all over you. There’s a difference between being nice and being a pushover.”

“But I’m not a pushover,” I insisted. “It’s just that not a lot of things bother me. I’m very laidback.”

“You always put your guy first,” says Karen. “If he wants to buy you things, you are embarrassed. If he wants to pay for dinner, you don’t let him. YOU HAVE TO PUT YOURSELF FIRST. It has nothing to do with being selfish.

It’s funny. I realized that I’m super-duper nice and I’ve often times put everybody first. Nice people are always yearning for approval, and is willing to go a long way to get it.

My conversation with Karen made me realize that enough is enough. She’s right. Every time I deal with people, I put their feelings and thoughts first. The question is, what is it that I want? I’ve always put aside my wants to accommodate other people.

But what do I want?

My ex wants me to be friends… is that what I want? *starts thinking*

All throughout the past two weeks, my mind has been going on over-gear. My mood has been going up and down and I’ve been in a reflective mood lately. It’s bad in such it takes my focus away from work and my organization, but first, I can’t help it. And secondly, it helps clarify what is it that I want.

What is it that I want from life? From my relationships? From my career? From my friends? From my social life?

What do I want?

I think it’s high time for me to start being selfish and think about what I want, instead of what other people want.

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It’s been a difficult week and a half for me… I feel that I’ve been cheated out of something, and am utterly helpless to do something about it. There’s something being frustrating about not being in control of the situation, and feeling helpless… I hate that feeling. Nevertheless, keeping in mind the 90/10 principle, I feel a lot better.

So far, I already understand why it happened. And though I do not agree with the reasons given, I do know that decision is irreversible and final. It’s sad, but things always happen for a reason. And historically, whenever something unfortunate occurs in my life, something better always comes.

What I am still processing right now is my healing process and how to deal with the future. People say that I am healing very well given my circumstance and I look great despite the crap that’s been happening around me. But again, I’m still figuring out what I do want… and once I make a decision, I’ll let you guys know.

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To be, or not to be friends… that is the question.

Mary Anne told me that she’s pickier with her friends now. “You really are affected by your friends. Surround yourself with those people who drink and party, and you’ll find yourself to be more shallow. Surround yourself with those who like outdoor activities, and your outlook in life changes.

Being the peace-loving Libran that I am, I wouldn’t mind having another friend in my belt. It never hurts to have more friends.

But everyone tells me that it’s difficult to remain friends with an ex. Most women here can’t do it.

“Look at it this way,” a girl-friend said. “He enjoys the pleasure of your company without the commitment. Don’t you think that’s being selfish?

Hmmm… aren’t friends like that? They enjoy each other’s company but share no intimacies that boyfriends and girlfriends do.

You’re still hurting,” they say. “Just quit cold turkey or at least, give it more time…

Another girl-friend said, “He’s a nice guy. He wants to be friends with you because he’ll feel less guilty. Nice guys don’t want to feel bad, or make other people think they’re bad people.

Argh, drives me nuts. So I need to think more…

Is keeping the friendship worth it? Or do I have enough friends?

About Bonita

I'm a forgetful person. But I think a lot. Every day, a lot of thoughts enter my head. That's why this blog came to be: first, to keep my memories alive through the years, and two, to actually see how I and my thoughts have changed. Please note that I seldom draft or edit my posts. Sometimes, if I'm not careful, I offend some of you, my readers. And while I apologize for making you feel uncomfortable, I am not sorry for being honest or for making well-intentioned mistakes. I will however be the first to admit if I change my mind. Hence, do read and proceed with caution. My life is as colorful and as boring as you make it. I complain many days, but offer some encouragement in others. Life is fluid, it changes. So keep the positives and throw away the negatives, and I do hope that at the end of the day, you will enjoy reading the blog and leaving comments here and there if my posts touches you. Happy reading!
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4 Responses to What do I want?

  1. Chris says:

    You sound like a really great person. Heck, if you were in San Diego, you sound like the type of person I’d date.

    I broke up with my girlfriend about two months ago. The hardest part is not calling her. Because it hurts her to remember all the good times we had. Just hearing my voice makes her remember of the good times we had. Hearing my voice reminds her that we’ll never have that same closeness that we once had. Hearing my voice makes her cry. What a difference from what my voice used to make her feel in the past, huh?

    That is exactly why we can’t be “just friends.” Because I can’t call her. I cant see her. I can’t.

    What has really been hard for me is to live without having someone to talk to … Or someone just to hug and to hear about my crazy days in the office. Or someone to say, “Hey, lets go out to such and such place!”

    I’m not a Marketing Specialist like you, but I’m the Marketing guy at my work.

    Thanks for sharing your words…

    http://aztec-sdsu.blogspot.com/

  2. raven says:

    Thanks Chris, you really put a smile in my face. You’re right, staying friends with an ex is hard, especially if the wound is still fresh. My friends are telling me to just quit cold turkey, but circumstances in the near future forces us to be together… and I don’t want our encounters to be awkward.

    Am trying to deal with this the best way I can. First, by thinking of him as just a friend. I guess, it’s easier knowing that a guy who cannot appreciate me as I am, does not deserve to be someone super-special in my life. May sound like sour-graping, but I’m not. If we’re not compatible (meaning, the relationship didn’t work out), why push it? There’s always someone out there more fitting for you.

    As for being friends, we’ll see… as I’ve said, still thinking about it. The real test is when we do meet, which will be soon.

  3. chekwa says:

    u have enough friends raven, and the fact that u’re still bothered and confused on what to do with this guy just confirms that it’s not yet time.

    quit cold turkey girl.

    i’ll share u my story. i saw my ex after 6 yrs. and we were in a relationship for 4 yrs.

    it was a horrible breakup, really horrible. a lot bitterness, a lot of cursing, plates, shoes, slippers, makeup kits, empty beer bottles thrown at each other, it wasn’t a peacful breakup.

    but the moment we saw a glimpse of each other after 6 yrs, we just ran towards each other and hugged like 2 old friends suffocating each other in a bear hug

    it was sweet, the bitterness wasn’t there, the feeling of being in love wasn’t there anymore, it was just love for a friend. a comforting feeling u feel when u see an old friend.

    and at that moment i knew, we can be friends.

    and plus the fact that she’s married and has 2 kids 🙂 but man, she’s still lookin hawt! she doesn’t look like mother at all.

    but that’s another story.

    so in short, if u don’t have that comforting feeling that i’m talking about, when u this ur ex of urs then maybe it’s not yet time.

    smile!
    (it’s free, and it’ll make u look young, plus people would think u know something they don’t)

    good luck girl

  4. raven says:

    Thanks Chekwa, really been doing a lot of thinking and analyzing. I’ve already admitted to myself that my ex isn’t the One, and is slowly coming to terms to it. I’m not sure if this is the best way to do it but I’d like to speed up the healing process. My friends tell me to quit cold turkey, but let me see if my way works first. If I can see him, and feel comfortable, then it should be okay.

    Thanks for your wonderful input! Appreciate it lots.

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