Sharing my insecurities

I’ve come to realize more about myself now that my boyfriend is gone for his month long vacation.

First, I’m neurotic, and I think waaaay damn much.

When he didn’t contact me for three whole days, I started getting images of him lying on the ditch, or drowning in the river.

After three whole days, I thought he was dead!

My logic?

It’s so unlike him to not call me. After all, three days IS a long time.

Okay, okay… blame it on paranoia, neurotic-ness or whatever… but I really thought something bad happened to him!

So sue me.

I never thought it was because there was practically no signal up there in the mountains where he’s fishing, and that’s why he has no way of contacting me. This was actually the case btw.

My logic? If he wants to be in contact, he’ll climb hell and high water to do so.

Meaning, the fact that he’s not contacting me, means that he won’t be too bothered to do so. Hence, he’s not thinking about me as much!

BOO-HOO!

*everyone rolls their eyes*

But that’s just my insecurities talking.

My boyfriend called me the week after saying that he couldn’t find a signal high up the mountains of Mammoth. We talked long, and he’s been good afterwards. Whether it be via MSN, text or call, he’s been able to keep in constant touch.

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Rhonda Findling, MA, CRC, author of The Commitment Cure says, “Insecurity comes from a fear of being rejected and abandoned. Rather than working on understanding and lessening anxiety, (we) create obsessions as an attempt to control a situation. You think if you don’t pee too loudly or eat too much, he’ll stick around. In reality, you can’t control him.”

Recently, all my insecurities started popping up…

Guess it’s because my boyfriend isn’t here to reassure me, as before.

For example…

“Did we move too fast? Maybe we moved too fast, and didn’t get to know each other quite well… if I played harder to get, maybe he’ll be crazier about me!”

My friends say that I’m playing games… and yes, that’s right. I didn’t play any games with him.

“Is my relationship too perfect because we fit each other very well— or only because we’re in the honeymoon stage of our relationship?”

My friends say that only time will tell and that’s the harsh truth.


“Does he like me for me, or for an ideal image of me? And once he sees the real me, will he still accept me for who I am?”

Well, he’s seen my embarrassing moments, and he’s still here… so far.

In other words, “Am I good enough?”

The answer should be yes. Otherwise, he wouldn’t stay with you, dummy!

But somehow, you still have doubts.

Mind you, these are not insecurities he gave me.

He has been nothing short of sweet.

Facts are, he has regularly reassured me that he liked my company and loved being with me.

Whenever he’s busy, he apologizes for not giving me time and affection.

He gives way and makes sure I’m comfortable all the time.

And he has mentioned that he’s not just playing around, and considers our relationship a serious, long-term (hopefully!) one.

Most of our friends know about it, so it’s not a secret anymore.

But these insecurities exist, and they have gotten worse since he’s gone.

Sigh, I guess, by having them, they remind me that a big part of me is still immature at 24, as these worries merely mirror the insecurities I have about myself.

I would assume that more mature women do not share these insecurities. How can they?

Confident women should logically be more secure about themselves.

I guess, sometimes it’s hard to believe how such a cute (or so they say), nice guy like my boyfriend can ever like a neurotic woman like me who’s merely above-average in terms of looks, brains and personality.

Plus, I can’t cook, clean or do laundry so what’s my contribution to the household?!

And here, my colleagues remind me that I’m living in the 21st century where guys don’t want a maid — they want a companion! Hope they’re right!

Well, that’s me being insecure talking… although facts show that he likes me just the way I am.

Guess, it’s mainly because he’s not here. Usually, whenever I’m insecure, I only need to be around him to be reassured about his feelings for me.

Actions speak louder than words, and he has communicated his feelings for me quite well.

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I admit, if I let them get out of hand, these insecurities will only destroy my current relationship.

Hence, what can I do about these insecurities?!

Simple answer — GET RID OF THEM!!!

Easier said than done though.

I’m a worrier, yet worrying won’t help.

Believe me, I do so want to boost myself up, and I’m trying. But I guess only time will tell.

Hopefully, as our relationship becomes more stable (a.k.a. older), we’ll be more secure of our status in each other’s life.

But right now, I have to learn to worry less, and just go with the flow.

If it happens, it happens. Nothing we can do about it.

But for the moment, enjoy every single day while you still can.

Gosh, I do miss him. One month is a damn long time.

Okay, so now, just have to stay focused and just GO…

WITH..

THE..

FLOW!

C’est La Vie!

About Bonita

I'm a forgetful person. But I think a lot. Every day, a lot of thoughts enter my head. That's why this blog came to be: first, to keep my memories alive through the years, and two, to actually see how I and my thoughts have changed. Please note that I seldom draft or edit my posts. Sometimes, if I'm not careful, I offend some of you, my readers. And while I apologize for making you feel uncomfortable, I am not sorry for being honest or for making well-intentioned mistakes. I will however be the first to admit if I change my mind. Hence, do read and proceed with caution. My life is as colorful and as boring as you make it. I complain many days, but offer some encouragement in others. Life is fluid, it changes. So keep the positives and throw away the negatives, and I do hope that at the end of the day, you will enjoy reading the blog and leaving comments here and there if my posts touches you. Happy reading!
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2 Responses to Sharing my insecurities

  1. apples says:

    Hi! I came across your blog and interesting enough….i believe I have a similar experience. Although my one month is a day away from being over {finally!} Actually it was my bf who sent me the link to your blog. He thinks I have a kindred soul {i think he’s saying – learn from this} hehe. Anyway – an insight to my story is here -> http://apolskie.haravata.net. He even created a countdown thing for us to monitor how long or how near before we see each other again. 😀 Tc!

  2. raven says:

    Hi Apples,

    Yes, checked your well-written blog! My gosh, lucky for you! I still have one more week to go… boo! hoo! And I miss him like mad. 🙁 Oh well, patience is a virtue!

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