New Love, Old Doubts

Oh, just want to update you on my current state of being — I’m extremely content right now.

I finally understood what it was like to be treated well by a guy who seems to care a lot for you.

It’s the little things.

When he listens to you give a blow-by-blow account of your boring day…

When he remembers to give you water without you asking him to…

When he MSNs you, asking you if you’re late for work…

When he hovers around and makes sure you’re okay when in a party… and still give you the freedom to have fun…

When he calls you up to meet up with you almost every day…

When you hear his familiar deep baritone on the phone saying, “Hey, it’s me…”

It’s kinda scary in a way how fast, and how smooth our relationship has progressed.

I remember it was just two months ago when I first met him… how things have changed since then.

But you know the funny thing? I’ve never really experienced a lot of the emotional roller coaster ride I’ve had in my past relationships. Everything just feels so smooth and so natural.

Weird, isn’t it?

For example, during the first few weeks, we were already hanging out a three to five times a week. And now, we’ve been hanging out almost every day.

It sometimes scares me.

What if he gets bored with me?

What if we start running out of things to say?

What if he doesn’t think I’m interesting anymore?

What if our relationship loses steam?

That would really, REALLY hurt.

These are my doubts, which I now find difficult to allay…

Maybe it’s my lack of self-esteem.

I’ve never been in a relationship like this yet. How can one sustain the interest, novelty and passion in a relationship? And he’s a great guy… what if someone better comes along? Wouldn’t he want to replace me then? I’m just a 24-year old girl… how can I be able to sustain his interest?

Yes, yes, yes… I know I’m not giving myself any credit. But still, no matter how confident you are, doubts sometimes pop in your head.

My best friends in Taiwan are laughing at me. They’ve already met the guy and totally approve of him. They think he’s good for me.

I told them that he’s a lot better than my ex.

To which they laughed and replied, “Anyone’s better than your ex.”

But they totally agree that he’s great.

As Michael even commented, “Doesn’t it feel great when all your great friends love the guy you care about?”

I must admit… it does.

They all hated my ex. They hated the way he was treating me.

Imagine this, when I broke up with my ex, they treated me to a wonderful dinner in celebration of my breakup. I mean, who the heck does that?!

You can almost hear them breathe a sigh of relief and say, “Finally!”

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I’ve told my friends my doubts and my fear that one day, I’ll wake up and he would see me with cold and uncaring eyes. He would see me for the naïve and immature woman that I am and drop me like a hot potato.

If it happens, it happens,” my friend Mary Anne just shrugged. “Then, it just means, he’s not the right guy for you. So just move on.”

I asked her if I have to resort to mind games to sustain a guy’s interest. In Taiwan, it’s not uncommon to see woman still playing hard to get even if they’re steadily dating the guy. They believe being too available is a turn-off.

Dear, that’s just immature,” comments Mary Anne as she rolls her eyes. “Would you want an immature relationship, or a mature one?”

She then explains that in a mature relationship, you don’t really have to play games. You show your true colors and he does the same too. If he can’t accept you for all your good sides and bad, then he’s not the right man for you.

The right guy for me would love me just as I am.

Then, I worried about seeing him everyday, which I have been doing for the past week… what if he gets sick of my company?

Darling, imagine being married to this guy,” says she. “You’d be spending the REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH HIM. Don’t you want to know if he’d get sick of you now, than later?”

Hmmm… great point.

But it’s still scary. But I guess, this is the risk I’d have to take. I don’t like the feeling of being vulnerable, and I am afraid of getting hurt.

No one wants their heart trampled into bits.

But Mike woke me up from my self-pity when he asked this question, “Has it ever occurred to you that he’s afraid of getting hurt too? Am quite sure, from how I know of him, it will take him some time to get over you once you guys separate.”

It does make me feel better that it’s not just me putting my heart on the line.

It’s him as well.

And though it’s scary, I think he’s really worth it.

About Bonita

I'm a forgetful person. But I think a lot. Every day, a lot of thoughts enter my head. That's why this blog came to be: first, to keep my memories alive through the years, and two, to actually see how I and my thoughts have changed. Please note that I seldom draft or edit my posts. Sometimes, if I'm not careful, I offend some of you, my readers. And while I apologize for making you feel uncomfortable, I am not sorry for being honest or for making well-intentioned mistakes. I will however be the first to admit if I change my mind. Hence, do read and proceed with caution. My life is as colorful and as boring as you make it. I complain many days, but offer some encouragement in others. Life is fluid, it changes. So keep the positives and throw away the negatives, and I do hope that at the end of the day, you will enjoy reading the blog and leaving comments here and there if my posts touches you. Happy reading!
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