On being the second woman…

Last night, I talked to my roommate. She recently broke up with her musician boyfriend, around the same time as I broke up with mine.

But hers was a more complicated story. They’ve been seeing each other for almost a year when they broke up.

The difference between her and my experience was, whereas I knew I was the only girl in my ex’s life, she was the “second” girlfriend — and she knew it. She would’ve been labeled as the “mistress” if the guy was married, but he wasn’t. So we’ll just leave it as the “second girlfriend.”

Sounds a bit weird, right? Guess, you only thought that only marriages have hierarchies. But in her case, the guy has been together with his first girlfriend for years, and according to him, he cannot break up with her because of that. Besides, both sides of the family (girl and boy) want them to get married. They are almost living together as well (same buildings, different floors). So no, he cannot dump his old girlfriend.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

All I hear are excuses. But my roommate accepts this as truth, as something that cannot be changed. And since she loves him, if she wants to be with him, she might as well accept it.

Bullsh*t.

To add salt to the wound, the guy stated that she cannot see other men because he’s a “jealous” man. Hence, although he has another girlfriend, she can’t because he doesn’t want her to. However, upon seeing the “unreasonableness” of his “request,” he is good enough to allow her one other boyfriend since he has one other (girlfriend). However, he explicitly states that he will not be happy about it, and it would be better if she just remained loyal to him.

All together now, people…

What the f*ck?!

I don’t curse very often. But I think this situation does call for one.

What a selfish b*st*rd!

==================

You wonder why some women accept crap from their men. Of course, I know now that it’s because of love. It’s true what they say, love IS blind. But then again, you have to think for yourself as well. You do not shut both eyes because you want to keep your man. There should be limits on what a guy can or cannot do. I’m not saying that you don’t give in sometimes. I’m actually all for compromise and sacrifice. But if it becomes too unfair, if it becomes too one-sided, girl, please. Do gather all the last bits of self-respect you still have and LEAVE.

Men will treat you like crap if you allow them to treat you like one. If you put your foot down when he goes over the line and he leaves, then sayonara. You’re better off without him anyway.

It differs with each person. Some people can take it. I personally can take a lot of crap too. But I can take it to a certain extent. I’ve told my ex a million times already, no matter how much I love you, if you beat me or if there’s another woman, I’m gone. He understands that. We have a deal. That’s why, even if he was in another country, and in the end, we still broke up, I know in my heart that there was no other woman in the relationship but me.

==================

I’ve known a few women who became second tier to a first wife or girlfriend. Call it mistress or second girlfriend, but they’re just labels. Whereas before, I’d be so quick to judge them, right now, I simply try to keep an open mind.

For one, they’re not doing it for the money. Unlike the common misconception that mistresses are gold-diggers who are only there for the cash, my friends are actually there for the love, care and attention that they get from these men.

The funny thing is, my girl-friends know that the situation is unchangeable. It didn’t change before, and it wouldn’t change now. They are aware that the guy will not dump the other woman for them. But they can still accept the situation. They still stay.

It’s what I admire about them — the devotion despite the unfairness of it all. Most women have less endurance than them. After one hit of difficulty, they run away. But these women don’t. They stay and endure. Because the care a lot about the guy. For them, it has to be THIS particular man. No one else.

They don’t really care that they’re second to another woman. It’s already a given. What they do care about is that the guy treats them well. How many times have I heard this being said: “So long as he makes me happy and treats me right, I’m fine with the situation?”

Lots.

And that’s why some of them broke up with their men. It was the reason why my roommate broke it off with her boyfriend. The other woman, they can accept. But please, please treat her right. Her guy didn’t. He only saw her when he fought with his first girlfriend, any time he saw it fit. He didn’t keep his promises, and he was simply a selfish bastard.

But some guys can be greedy — and selfish. It’s amazing how selfish they can be. They should at least treat you a lot better considering that you’ve already sacrificed yourself enough to calmly accept your position as the mistress or the second girlfriend, but a lot of men don’t. Some men really go past that line. They seem to think that if they can get away with one girl, they can get away with a whole lot other crap.

Until of course, my friends couldn’t take it anymore.

We’re human too. There’s just so much abuse that we can endure.

After days of crying, of not knowing when he’ll call, of not knowing when they’ll meet again, of secrets, of loneliness… they finally call it off. They make the decision to say goodbye.

And you know what’s funny? Two out of three times, the guy pesters them in the next couple of weeks almost begging them to give the “relationship” another chance. Sure, he won’t dump his wife/first girlfriend, but he still “cares” about you and wants you back.

Great, it’s when it’s finished when they realize they still “want” you. Personally, I think it’s just because of ego. It’s never easy to find a woman who’s willing to be your “second,” so when they lose it, of course they’ll do all you can to get you back. But if you make the same mistake again and take them back and forgive them, the cycle begins all over again.

==================

My roommate likened her relationship with her ex as a mom to her son.

Every time, the son doesn’t listen to his mom and gives his mom a lot of pain. But everytime, the mother forgives her son because she loves him.

But this was what I told her: “Your relationship to your boyfriend is not like a mother to her son. A mother cannot choose her son. Her son is her son. She cannot change her son. But your boyfriend, you chose your boyfriend. And you can also choose someone else.”

There are many fish in the sea,” I added. “If you think you’re not getting the love and care you deserve from your boyfriend, I think it’s just right that you find someone else who can. A mother does not have a choice. You do. Make sure you make the right one.”

==================

Don’t get me wrong. It’s all about personal decisions. And I know how powerful love can be. Hence, if my girlfriends think they love this man, I may not approve of their decision (especially if it’s obvious that the guy is stringing them along), but I’m still behind them 100% of the way. Anyway, we’re all adults now. And hopefully, you’re adult enough to draw the line on what you can accept or cannot accept in such relationships. Do whatever you want, but keep a certain amount of respect for yourself whenever you can.

When you get into such types of relationships, you know what you’re getting into. And you know that if the other woman finds out, the sh*t will hit the fan. You have to get ready for that too. For every action, there’s a corresponding reaction. But so long as you know what you’re getting into, I’m fine with that. And I respect your decision.

And whenever you cry yourself to sleep, or when you need a friend, I’m just here 24/7. All you need is call.

About Bonita

I'm a forgetful person. But I think a lot. Every day, a lot of thoughts enter my head. That's why this blog came to be: first, to keep my memories alive through the years, and two, to actually see how I and my thoughts have changed. Please note that I seldom draft or edit my posts. Sometimes, if I'm not careful, I offend some of you, my readers. And while I apologize for making you feel uncomfortable, I am not sorry for being honest or for making well-intentioned mistakes. I will however be the first to admit if I change my mind. Hence, do read and proceed with caution. My life is as colorful and as boring as you make it. I complain many days, but offer some encouragement in others. Life is fluid, it changes. So keep the positives and throw away the negatives, and I do hope that at the end of the day, you will enjoy reading the blog and leaving comments here and there if my posts touches you. Happy reading!
This entry was posted in Relationships. Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to On being the second woman…

  1. Robin says:

    Im the other woman…stuck in Love with someone who stays with his first…over me … after a year of this… I need to stop crying and forget this relationship and with the New Year upon us I need to clear my heart and put my head back in the game and move on….It is so hard because of everything I did and do for this man….NEW YEAR ….NEW ME….:’( 🙂

Leave a Reply