It wasn’t supposed to be this hard…

My eyes hurt. I’ve been crying last night, and I feel really bad right now. I feel my heart’s been broken into two.

It sucks to break up with a boyfriend. It especially sucks when he’s your first. It sucks even more if you break up during your first year anniversary.

But sh*t happens.

It was inevitable. If we didn’t break up now, we’d break up later. Thing is, he just didn’t love me.

He asked me last night, “Why does love mean so much to you?!

My answer: “Because it affects the way you feel and the way you act towards me. Love really makes a difference. If you love someone, you know she’s most special, and you treat her accordingly. It would be as if she’s the most precious thing in the world, and you just want to be with her. But because you do not love me, you don’t think about me every day. You have no energy to make contact. You are cold.”

It’s true. Love does make a difference. Girls, please, do yourself a favor and get out of a relationship if you find out a guy doesn’t care that much about you. Don’t wait too long and try too hard.

Relationships take two people to make it work. I’ve made a mistake you can learn from. I knew he didn’t love me anymore, but I still tried harder. I thought my love can conquer everything.

But it’s tiring and exhausting.

What Jose said was true: If the other isn’t trying anymore, stop trying. If he really values and cares about you, he’ll do something to have you back. If he doesn’t make a move, leave. It’s a relationship not worth fighting for.

Breakups still hurt though. I’m still hurting now. Breakup solutions such as drinking at the park and crying on a friend’s sleeve helps. But once you’re alone at home, you start feeling lonely. You start missing him.

Your heart and your brain don’t mix. Your brain knows there’s no future. That there are better men out there. That there are guys who’ll give you the treatment you deserve. But your heart… your heart remembers him.

I guess it’s because I still love him despite his faults. He’s a great guy — just not a great boyfriend. I know for a fact that he never cheated on me. He’s loyal. He’s also a wonderful friend. But because he didn’t love me, he just didn’t give me the treatment I deserved.

If I had low self-esteem, I would’ve stayed and tried harder. The relationship could’ve gone on and on. He didn’t have the guts to call it off, you know. He can be a coward.

But reflecting on my life right now, I realized that I deserve better. I have everything going for me. A family that loves me, some friends around me who cares about me, a job that gives me the freedom to do anything I want, a great future…

Why will I sell myself short, and be with someone who does not realize how great I am?

I told him, “You’ll never find another girl like me.” He agrees.

But the cultural and personality difference was just so wide. And he couldn’t change himself to make the relationship work. Well, tough luck.

Even if I knew it would end, it still hurts. It surprisingly hurts so much. I just didn’t think he’d give me up that easily. Sigh. My friend asked me, “Do you think he’d beg for a second chance?! Are you nuts?!” Well, it wouldn’t hurt my ego if he did.

But he didn’t.

I know time will heal all pain. I know I’ll be better off without him. I mean, all of my friends are celebrating my breakup. I mean, how sick is that?! It’s because I’m in a unhealthy relationship that’s no good for me. But it still hurts.

I know I’ll get better a few weeks from now. But it doesn’t change the fact I’m still hurting.

God, I hope this would end.

About Bonita

I'm a forgetful person. But I think a lot. Every day, a lot of thoughts enter my head. That's why this blog came to be: first, to keep my memories alive through the years, and two, to actually see how I and my thoughts have changed. Please note that I seldom draft or edit my posts. Sometimes, if I'm not careful, I offend some of you, my readers. And while I apologize for making you feel uncomfortable, I am not sorry for being honest or for making well-intentioned mistakes. I will however be the first to admit if I change my mind. Hence, do read and proceed with caution. My life is as colorful and as boring as you make it. I complain many days, but offer some encouragement in others. Life is fluid, it changes. So keep the positives and throw away the negatives, and I do hope that at the end of the day, you will enjoy reading the blog and leaving comments here and there if my posts touches you. Happy reading!
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