I have a lot of single girl friends.
And they’re worried.
They’re worried that they don’t have anyone special in their lives.
They’re worried that they won’t find The One.
They’re worried that they’ll be single forever.
I have a lot of girl friends who worry.
The older they are, the more they worry.
Case in point — my best friend, Fanny.
Fanny is very honest with me. On weekends, we talk. When we talk, she tells me what remains in the hearts of many women. Her cries echo the sentiments of many single women out there.
“I’m more upset about my situation and the lack of confidence that I can find someone I can be with for the rest of my life,” moaned my 30-plus year old girl friend. “I just don’t feel that God has prepared someone for me. Maybe he wants me to stay single forever.”
“It’s not that bad, Fanny,” I told her. “Sometimes, it’s better to be alone than to be with someone who hurts you and makes you cry.”
“But I’m lonely…” she said. “It would be great if I found God’s best for me.”
“Well, look at the bright side. I’d like to think being single gives you the time and space to explore,” I replied. “Once you are married, you’re stuck with just one person. And what if that person turned out to be controlling, mean or hard to deal with?”
“I’m just upset that my mom is complaining that I look old. She said I am too outgoing, too poor and no one wants me,” my best friend complained. “Well you know how honest moms can be… Maybe it’s true. Girl’s value declines with age.”
“Gee, don’t focus on that girlie,” I replied. “You know that’s not true. You’re attractive. This is fact. But you have to act it. Your wit, your personality and your heart is what makes you attractive.”
“But being single makes you depressed. If that’s the case, then that’s an issue.” I added. “Because the more depressed you become, the more unlucky you become in love. That’s why many people say they meet someone when they’re not looking. Because often they look happy and are enjoying life. And that’s very attractive.”
Having gotten married recently, I wonder why not a lot of women can find themselves a husband.
Maybe finding a husband was just pure luck?
Or maybe a lot of prayers?
My mom had been praying for the right person for me for years! :)
But as I think about it and talk to my friends, I realized that these single women — as lovely as they are — share a lot of things in common. While they may come from different countries, they do have certain commonalities.
So in lieu of a new blog post, here are 7 reasons why you most likely cannot find yourself a man:
1) Your parents are too strict.
I know this is true because MY own dad is very strict.
And it didn’t help me in the love department.
Back when I was in high school, I managed to catch the eye of my childhood crush.
It was like fireworks.
Can you imagine your crush of four years finally having a crush on you too?!
But when my dad caught wind of our blooming romance, he put a stop to it.
And I never saw Jason again.
Since then, Dad has not stopped sabotaging every almost-relationship I’ve had.
Of course, he’s always meant well.
Maybe I was too young to date. Maybe there were boys out there who just want to break my heart. Maybe I did deserve someone better.
But regardless on how rational he made things seem, the result was the same: He’s always made it hard for me to have or keep a relationship.
Not only did he scare every potential suitor away, but he made it so hard for me to get away.
“Nobody is good enough for your dad,” my mom moaned as she saw another suitor turn away. “Oh well, he only wants the very best for you,” sighed she.
The truth was, nobody was very good for my dad. I was his most precious possession. Only the best could deserve me. Everyone was too irresponsible, untrustworthy, not very smart, or unaccomplished. Somehow, they all fell short from his standards.
So I remained single.
Single until I was overseas, away from the prying eyes of my formidable parents.
It was only after my dad passed away that I managed to have a real serious relationship.
“You’re lucky,” my dad’s best friend jokingly told my boyfriend now husband. “You waited until her dad to die before you pursued her.”
We nervously laughed.
Only my dad’s best friend can get away with such an inappropriate joke.
But it was true.
My husband and I wouldn’t have gotten married if my dad was still alive.
2) You don’t take good care of yourself.
I’m sorry to mention the white elephant in the room, but if men don’t find you attractive, they won’t chase after you.
THIS IS FACT.
You’ll be the reliable best friend.
The cool chick.
The funniest person in the room.
But if you are unattractive in a guy’s eyes, you will never be the girlfriend/wife.
As my guy friend once said, “I am not superficial! I just like pretty women!”
The unfortunate fact is, we live in a superficial world, and men ARE superficial.
So while you cannot change your height, skin color and to a certain extent your face, you can improve your odds by maximizing how you look.
And you don’t have to go through plastic surgery.
Often times, being more attractive is as simple as putting on makeup, dressing in clothes that fit your body size, losing a bit of weight and taking good care of yourself.
It’s easy — making yourself look good is not that hard.
Makeup really helps.
Personally, I look ugly without makeup. Objectively speaking, I think I look like a different person without makeup, and if I am to go out in the world without makeup, I would look bagong gising (as if I just woke up). I will look older and more dowdy.
Don’t want to believe me?
Check out these celebrities with and without makeup:
Makeup not only hides your facial flaws, but they can also make your eyebrows richer, your eyes look bigger, your cheeks healthier, and your lips fuller.
You look more full of life instead of seeming as if you just got out bed.
“But my mother doesn’t want me to wear makeup!” one friend says. “She says it’s best to wear makeup only on special occasions!”
Here’s the funny thing — If you wait for a special occasion to look good, you are intentionally making yourself look not your best on a daily basis. And what if you meet Prince Charming tomorrow?
Personally, every time I go out without makeup, I almost always run into somebody cute! :(
So if you want to find a man, please, put on some makeup, dress a little more feminine-like, lose some weight healthily, and try to be your best self.
It won’t guarantee yourself a man, but it’ll really put you on a higher place than you were before.
3) Women who are single say no to life. To chances. To men who aren’t really their type. It’s true: You’re too picky.
A lot of my girl friends refused to be kai-shiao‘d (Note: For non-Filipinos, kai shiao is like a referral with the understanding that if everything works out, the matched couple will get married. It’s very common amongst Filipino-Chinese).
They hate the idea.
“No, people will think I’m desperate!” my girlfriends would say. “Nobody kai shiaos you to somebody decent. They’re usually fat, stable and ugly.”
And therein lies the problem.
I think many women are single nowadays because they close their minds to opportunities that can lead them to a real relationship.
Take online dating for example… a friend of mine refused to try online dating because it’s only for “desperate losers.”
Her words not mine, okay?
But the thing is, if I didn’t try online dating, I wouldn’t have met my husband!
And there’s a gazillion ways to meet someone.
I’ve met guys at MBA, at school, in the gym, and even at the super baduy speed dating our Chinese association organized.
I also met a potential guy via kai shiao. It didn’t work out between us but the person who kai shiao’d us did actually become our principal sponsors at our wedding. :)
The trick was, I never said no.
I didn’t wait for a guy who was tall, cute, smart and handsome to ask me out.
In fact, regardless on whether the guy was fat, thin, rich, poor, in their 20s, in their 30s, or in their 40s, I said yes to every invitation as long as I could put it in my schedule.
When I was single, If guys asked me out, I went.
Honestly, I just wasn’t picky.
I went out with anyone and everyone, knowing fully well that even if it didn’t work out between us, at least, I would’ve still made a friend.
And why not?
These men took a lot of guts to ask me out. For many men here in the Philippines, asking a girl out can be a nerve-wracking event.
The least I can do is say yes.
Anyway, what did I have to lose?
My time? :)
Bah, I never really went out with anyone and had a bad time. The date was for me to enjoy. If my date was boring, I still found something else about the date to enjoy myself about.
And even if my date was a complete disaster, at least I had a few interesting stories to carry with me.
So girls, it’s this aura of openness that made me more attractive than usual.
Besides, with more “yeses” I think one of them might actually be with the guy you’ve been waiting for all your life!
4) They have low standards.
While I did say that women cannot be too picky, there is such a thing as being too considerate, too understanding, too giving, and TOO NICE.
Here is an article where I complained about women with low standards.
In the end, they got into a relationship limbo… neither here or there.
While men do not like women who have extremely high opinions about themselves, they also cannot get themselves to be seriously attracted to someone who has a low opinion of herself.
Or to be with someone who wants to get married, and will bear and suffer many things just to be with a man.
Case in point, Amanda.
Amanda was my best friend in grade school, but but lost touch after we graduated from high school.
I later found out that she started hanging out with the wrong crowd.
Amanda had pretty low esteem and was willing to do anything to be with someone.
Back in high school, I remember she would write love letters and slip them inside the lockers of the upper batch.
“Omigosh, you know Amanda?!” my guy friend exclaimed.
“Yeah, she used to be my best friend in grade school,” I said. “How did you know her?”
“Oh really? A friend of mine used to make her his f*ck buddy.”
“Yeah, all you did was call her and if she was horny, she was there.”
As I later found out, Amanda was willing to exchange sex with love. It made her feel that if she didn’t spread her legs, no guy would want to be with her. I found this conclusion sad and unnecessary.
You shouldn’t be too desperate for love that you lose your self-respect.
Up till now, Amanda is still single.
But when guys get a bit frisky, she gets a call.
And she’s okay with that.
I asked my friend, “Would you ever introduce Amanda to your mom?”
Of course not!” my guy friend exclaimed. “Why the hell would I do that?”
“Because she’s a nice person?” I asked.
“Nah, you don’t ever bring her to my mommy,” he said. “She’s not really marriage material.”
A guy has to respect you in order to want to marry you.
No respect = no marriage.
Take for example my husband. My husband and I do have our differences, and when we fight, we really fight.
“Sometimes, I just wish you’d keep things to yourself,” he’d say.
“Yes, but if I can’t tell you the truth, then who will?!” I’d reply.
But in the end, I really think that he appreciates my candor. Knowing that I have my own values makes him respect me more.
When you’re in a real relationship, you have to be honest with each other. There shouldn’t be a fear of walking on eggshells and saying the wrong things. You should not be afraid of your partner.
I think one of the reasons my husband married me is because I always told him the truth even if it hurt, and even if I could lose him. It made him realize that I was choosing him for him, and not because I was so desperate to get married.
“But what if he breaks up with me?” you may ask.
There you go again girlie… the desperation. Guys do not want to be obliged to marry you. He doesn’t want to marry you because you want to get married. He wants it to be his choice.
So if he breaks up with you because you’re not being yourself, would you rather want that? I think it’s better to be honest and real today, and tell him what you want instead of being quiet and meek, and letting him get away with things that make you unhappy.
In the long run, please, have standards. Earn his respect. I promise, he’ll value you more for it.
5) They wait for their knight in shining armor to come and sweep them off their feet.
That’s the problem with many women nowadays — A guy comes a calling and shows interest, and we shoot them down because they’re not up to your standards, OR you believe you deserve much more.
Well guess what?
You’re not exactly the prettiest princess with legions of suitors pining for your hand in marriage.
You’re not the sexiest, most attractive girl in the room.
Someone will always be thinner, nicer, smarter and better than you.
We not perfect and we all have our flaws.
Honestly, in moments of truthfulness, I look at myself and then my husband, and wonder, “Why the hell does my husband want to marry me?”
To be honest, I am not exactly the prettiest girl in the room nor the thinnest.
I think I’m smart, but I can be ignorant and clumsy at times.
I may be competent and capable at work, and yet I can be so lazy at home.
So let me repeat… Why did my husband want to marry me?
I think the answer came two years ago when we first started dating.
Back then, our life was not as peaceful as it was now.
Specifically, my husband drank a lot, partied a lot, and was always surrounded by half a dozen models who had already been featured in FHM.
Truth be told, my then boyfriend was rude, cursed a lot, and made a lot of enemies.
He was not my knight in shining armor.
In fact, I believe that he’s my mother’s biggest nightmare.
“Can’t you find anyone better, Bonita?” she pleaded. “There are a gazillion men better than XXXXXXX.”
And she was right.
But I stuck by him.
Despite my brother and my mother’s pleas, I stuck with my hubby.
I stuck with him when he got in trouble with the law, his parents, and with people in and out of work.
I stuck with him even when he became despicable.
I believed in him.
And I prayed for our relationship.
I prayed especially to God to give me a lot of patience and understanding.
There were times I doubted and questioned our relationship.
There were a few times that we almost broke up.
It was only because of God’s repeated interventions that we managed to stick together this long.
Over time and a lot of prayer, he improved, I improved, and our relationship improved.
It improved to the peaceful level it is today.
So what if I dumped him in the first initial months just because we were having problems? Because he didn’t seem to be my knight in shining armor? If I didn’t stick by him as he worked on himself?
Then I wouldn’t be Mrs. XXXX today.
So girls, before you heap judgments and reject a man, remember Chris Pratt. Here is Chris Pratt before Guardians and the Galaxy and after:
See the difference?
Anna Farris married Chris Pratt when he wasn’t yet the “Guardians of the Galaxy” hunky super hero today. Take a look of him before:
Doesn’t he look like a cute over-sized teenager who seemed to never lose his baby fat?
Do you find him attractive?
He’s cute… but honestly, do you find him hot?
Not many women did.
But Anna Farris did.
Anna Farris saw the potential and snagged him while she still could.
Back when Chris Pratt looked like your favorite nephew.
And now, who’s laughing all the way to the bank?
Anna Farris that’s who!
Take a look at Chris Pratt today:
So if you were Chris Pratt, would you dump Anna Farris who “discovered” and “appreciated” you when everyone didn’t?
So girls, don’t give up on your men if they’re worth it!
And lastly, 6) They’re just not interesting.
I’m sorry but some girls can be B-O-R-I-N-G.
Maybe their lives are all about their families, or their dogs, or their jobs. When you talk to them, it’s all about their parents, their siblings or their colleagues. And who can blame them? Their life is mostly about working, then home, then time with family! :)
And it’s the same banana day in and day out.
Ladies, please, have a life!
The world is your oyster… slurp it!
For those who is interested, there’s always yoga lessons. There’s cooking lessons, or a hike to Mount Pinatubo. There’s going to Antipolo with your friends. Taking shooting lessons or boxing time at Elorde. Tons of books to read aside from Cosmopolitan.
I personally like to rock climb. And I like medium rare steaks.
These were the few things I placed on my online profile that caught my husband’s attention.
“Finally, a girl who doesn’t say, ‘I’m a simple girl looking for love!'” my now husband thought to himself.
To be attractive, BE ATTRACTIVE.
You don’t have to make a radical change in your life to be interesting.
You just have to be interested about life and everything around you.
Try new things once in a while and step out of your comfort zone.
You might be surprised with what you can discover.
Maybe you’ll even meet the guy of your dreams?
There you go. Six reasons why many women are still single. I’m sure you can think of more.
Can you still add more to the list? :)